Tuesday, November 29, 2011

This one time, at band camp...


Brad: Olive Garden really isn't the best... but it sure is good when it's free!

Stacy: HAHAHAHA, no doubt!  Everything tastes better when it's free!

Brad: Man, I AM a Jew... just told a friend the same thing I told you and she said "Hey, you can't complain; it's free."
          I said, "Watch me."

Stacy: LMFAO ROTF.  I'm rubbing off on you

Brad: "Can you believe these bread sticks?!  As cold and tough as my ex-husband!  And this salad!  Yeesh!
            It's 50% fekokteh onions!"

Stacy: OMFG ... how long did it take you to figure out a spelling for "fekokteh"?  Fakakta.

Brad: LOL!!!  I thank Google... I searched "yiddish fucking"... with the adult filter ON, thank you very much.

Stacy: LMFAOROTF... OMG, I might just pee a little

Brad: I want Yiddish "fucking", not "Yiddish fucking"!  Oy vey!
          (I have a little old Jewish man accent in my head right now)

Stacy: Oh, Brad.... stoooooop!  I'm going to peeeeeeee!

Brad: OMG, that is the fastest onions have ever acted!  O_O  I got some gas BAD!  About to toot my dook-horn
          aka butt trumpet!  Seriously... the salad was about 50% onions.

Stacy: Butt TUBA more like it.

Brad: HEY!!!  ......... shaddap.  At least I got a nice, deep, baritone bellow and not a fruity gay little piccolo tweet.

Stacy: OMG piccolo farts!  I'm totally using that!

Brad: Piccolo Butt= *chirp*  "What was that?!"  "..... bird."
          Me= *ahWOOOOOGAH*  "What was THAT?!"  "Ships are coming in."

Stacy: LOL!  On the drive to work... dude... I smoked myself out.  It was baaad.  I don't even know what I ate!  I thought it was a little poot... it assaulted my nasel passages with such a vengence... I almost had to apologize ... to myself...

Brad: ROFLMAO!!!!!!!  Stop it!  You're gonna make me clear out the office!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Well Wishes


Stacy: Okay, peace out.  Going to the pousoix doctore (that's French for 'lady bits doctor').

Brad: LOL, 'kay.
Good... luck...?  o_0
Not sure what to say here...
Let 'em have it?
Go get 'em, tiger?
Break a.... leg?
Happy trails?
Atta girl?
Sic 'em?
Ready, set, go?
Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya?
Eat fresh?
Ride 'em, cow... girl?
A bird in the hand is worth two in the... bush?
All's well that ends well?
Like a rock?
Like a virgin?
If it doesnt fit, you must acquit?
Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman?
C'est la vie?
Gettin' jiggy wit it?
Carpe pousoix?
You are woman, hear you... roar?
Soup that eats like a meal?
Who let the dogs out?
Don't count your chickens before they hatch?
Built Ford tough?
Shoot for the moon; even if you miss, you'll land among the... pousoix?
More than three shakes and you're playing with it?
Caught between a rock and a hard place?
Blood is thicker than water?
All good things must come to an end?
You're every woman?
Don't go chasing waterfalls?
No means no?
I forgot the 'naked' part... that's a good part...?

Friday, November 4, 2011

A Story of Stupidity


For me to tell my Story of Stupidity of today, I must first take you back to a previous conversation that I had with Stacy a few months ago.  Join me, won't you?

*hops in TARDIS*

Brad: My GAWD, stupid people make me wanna drink! >_<
Stacy: What stupidity have you encountered that makes you want to drink so early in the morning?
Brad: There is a new treasurer for one of my clients... when a bank will not help us with their accounts, we have to work with them to get them to work with the bank to clear up the issues we are having... capice?
Stacy: Follow you so far...
Brad: Well, this newbie sounds and acts like he just fell off the short bus after licking all the windows... :-/ srsly... f'real.... I have no idea who he blew to get this job.  So, of course once he is hired, I have issues with a bunch of different accounts for them and have to work with him.  He's frustratingly DUMB.  There is no other word for it.
Stacy: Ugh, I feel your pain.
Brad: I give him ALL the information and instructions that he needs in order to contact the bank and resolve shit, and he STILL insist on responding to my e-mails with a telephone call... "Uh, so, uhm, you need me to call dis here bank?"  :-|  "Yes, Jethro!"  >_<  Also, I do not get responding to my e-mails with a phone call... he USED to reply to the e-mail and then immediately call, "Hey Brad, I replied to your e-mail."  Really? No shit?!  :-|
Stacy: ...are you serious?
Brad: VERY serious.  So, now I just ignore the phone when I see it's from him... which in turn forces him to reply by e-mail.  I need a shot.  >_<

*hops out of TARDIS*

Now that you know the backstory and have been introduced to the Most Ignorant Sumbitch Known to Man, I can now tell my tale...

Earlier this week, I sent an e-mail to a client basically stating this: "This account has become locked out.  Could you please contact the bank and have them unlock it?" and gave ALL the information that was needed for the client to do so.  A day later, to my utter shock and surprise, I receive the reset password for the locked account in question from the client.  He has NEVER been so efficient and competent!  I was impressed!  So, I log in with the new temporary password, change it to the new permanent password, and process the account like normal for a few days.

Yesterday, the account was locked out again!  It definitely was not me because I was just trying it for the first time that day, plus I am the only one that uses this set of logins to access this account.  So, I send the e-mail again; "This account has become locked out.  Could you please contact the bank and have them unlock it?" and gave ALL the information that was needed for the client to do so.  I come to work this morning with a voicemail form that client representative that just loves to lick all the windows on the short bus, "Hey, uh, Brad... uhm, I need to speak with you about dis here bank dat you e-mailed me about.  I just unlocked it earlier this, uh, week, and I, urm, need to talk to you about it.  If you could, please, uh, call me back so I can, uuuuhhhhh, speak to you........ about this account......... that I unlocked before......."  That was it.  No call back number, no reasoning why he needed to speak with ME to get the account unlocked.  No explaining the multiple long pauses and ums that were muttered.  Nada.

Number one, if I e-mail you, please have the common sense to use e-mail to contact me back.  It is way more convenient for both of use since I am constantly busy and can't really yabber on the phone while working; plus it seems you need time to gather your thoughts first before you let them spill out.  Better to put them in an organized e-mail than let them dribble from your stupid gaping slack-jawed maw.

Number two, if you leave me a voice mail, have the common sense to leave a call back number.  Yes, I CAN go back to previous e-mails to find it in your signature, but that is a lot of unnecessary legwork and wasted time.  Thanks for that, jerk.

Number three, I AM NOT THE FUCKING BANK!  Why the HELL do you need to talk to ME?!  I gave you ALL the fucking information that you need to get this resolved!  Call.  The.  Bank!  If I call you back, I am going to tell you THE EXACT SAME FUCKING THING THAT I JUST FUCKING E-MAILED TO YOU AND THEN TELL YOUR STUPID ASS TO CALL THE BANK!  AAAHHHHHHHHRRRRRGGGGG!!!!!  >_<

Well... I feel better!  ^_^  Continuing with the story... I erased his voicemail with no intention of calling him back and instead sent him an e-mail:

"I received your voicemail this morning about this account.  I apologize, but I will not be able to call you as I will be away from my desk for most of the day.  Yes, you did manage to unlock it and sent me the temporary password; I was able to log in, change the password, and access the account a few days after that.  Now it has become locked out again, and I am not sure why.  This is something that needs to be discussed and resolved with the bank.  Just let them know of this details of this issue and they should be able to help you out."

Yes, it was a little fib, but how else am I going to train this dumb-ass?!  Guess what?  It worked!  He e-mailed me letting me know that, lo and behold, he called the bank and got the account unlocked.  See, Jethro, why was that so hard?  Why put me through the stress and wasted time?  Why make me waste even more time blogging about your incompetence in this very article?

I know why...

You are just straight up fucking retarded.


Tuesday, November 1, 2011

11-01-2011 aka Kiki's Halloween Outtakes

10-31-2011 aka Kiki's Halloween Commercial

Trick or treat
Candy's sweet
The popo is out on the beat
If I see
read and blue
I'm-a blame it all on you!

Happy Halloween, y'all!

Kiki: Hay y'all, it's that time again. Time to dress up in some frightening costumes so you can make chiddlin cry and steal they candy! It's hard for a gurl to keep her slim figure around this season.

Brad Off Camera: Slim?

Kiki: SHUT UP! Anyway, it's also a time to gather around, cuddle up to yo' boo, but not the ghostly kind, and watch whore movies!

Brad: HOR-ROR!

Kiki: Haaarrr.... hoooooorrr.... harhar....... scurry movies, y'all. Well, I'm here to scurr the panties off yo' girl... or guy if you freaky like that, and save some candy money with Kiki the Lesbian Pirates Bootleg DVDs. 100% Illegal, 100% one dollah each. You can get all your scurry favorites such as:

Nightmare on South Central Avenue - What's so scurry about a burnt while man with butter knives? Try running from a seven foot rapist with a three foot dildo.

Chris Tucker and Jason Voorhees star in Friday... the 13th - What happens when a high pitch voiced little stoner meets up with a backwoods slasher? I dunno, but you better wear earplugs.

Poke-her-geist - ...... oh, wait... my bad... that's not a scurry movie... that's from my own personal collection. Sorry...

I Spit on Yo' Pontiac - You don't wanna mess with a black man's sweet ass ride!

The Blair Bitch in the Projects - Need I say more? Shiiiiit, I'm scurred right now!

I Know What You Did Last Halloween - Your boyfriend bought those leather assless chaps just for Halloween? Riiiiight... They sho' do look broke the fugg in!

A Haunting in the Ghetto - Scurry moans and groans... chains rattling... shit disappearing... blood dripping from the walls........ then a ghost comes in to haunt the place.

Black Kwanzaa - *black stare* Redundancy is redundant.

The Creature from the Black Poon - Also known as "I didn't know I was pregnant."

Night of Living on Welfare - They don't want yo' brains... they want yo' lose... change... chaaaaange!

28 Lays Later - Shit... another from my collection. I gotta get an organizer!

What about... Invasion of the Booty Snatchers... no... When a Stranger Comes... no.... The House on Humping Hill... no.... dammit... Zombie Strippers? Wow... that's an actual movie, y'all.

I'll get these DVDs sorted out by tonight. I'm-a be creepin' through yo' neighborhood in my little red Pinto blasting "SuperBass", just like the ice cream man, if y'all wanna stop me and get some loot. And for every little one that comes to see me, I'll be giving out Good N'Plenty! But you gotta be dressed up. Don't be bringin' yo' raggedy ass in street clothes and a dollah sto' mask.

A'ight, I gots tah go. Need to get my costume ready. Y'all wanna see it?! 'kay. I'll use some movie magic so you don't have to wait. And POOF!

I'm goin' as a Latina Bish! "Whut'choo doin'? Joo tell me. I cut joo!" Haahaa, I'm racist! Anyhoo, I'll see yo' bitch asses out there! Try to avoid the po-po!

I see orange pumpkins and witches in black... but if I see red and blue, you on yo' own, Jack! BAHH!