Friday, November 27, 2020

Dreams Be Weird, Yo

 My dreams are so weird in the fact that they can set up full plots and details for a complete storyline and reference the details later on at the end of the dream. It's fascinating, really.

This morning, I woke from another strange one...

Quick dream setup: It was the early 80s, and I was working at a large hotel with a rather sizable staff. I was part of the dream-vague general staff (you'd think I'd make myself something more important like a manager, but noooooo). During one morning meeting, our manager stated that we had a new addition from one rival hotel. She was just another new member of the vague general staff named Cheryl. Wife, mother of two, and your typical middle-aged Midwestern with a faded red perm and large tortoise shell glasses. Very soft spoken, very sweet, very polite, and very chatty.

When asked by my small motley clique of employees (you know, the cool kids) why she left, she said that the last hotel was haunted. "Haunted?!", I said. "Yes! Really! Haunted!", Cheryl insisted, "Strange things would happen there all the time! It wasn't just that hotel; it was also the one I worked at before that one, and the one before that one, too! It's like it's following me!" The manager laughed and told her not to worry and that our hotel was not haunted in the slightest. My group and I laughed and reassured her not to worry. She smiled and relaxed a little in her chair.

The day went normally, and the night as well, but the next morning was chaos. A vacationing couple woke from their bed to find it was floating in the hotel pool. When my staff and I arrive, the couple was screaming something about a monster that did it. After we got them to safety, we spot something in the water. Sure enough, it was a creature, and it leapt out of the water and ran off. The odd thing about it was that it looked more like a small child wearing one of those old cheap plastic Halloween Costumes from a five and dime. Realizing this, I rolled my eyes and said, "Creature from the Black Lagoon? Really?" 

When I said this, I saw another small figure run around the other side of the pool and hide in the lounge. As my crew and I look around, I told them (in trying-to-be-clever-dream-dialogue), "Okay, it looks like we're looking for your typical cereal box vampire." Just then, a kid jumped out in a full, deluxe version of a cheap Halloween costume. It was a well dressed figure, in a tux, sporting a red amulet, and spreading a cape as it posed intimidatingly... except, y'know, it was all in thin cheap painted plastic. He hissed through the slit in the mouth of the crudely painted vampire mask and ran off. "Okay, sorry, we're looking for the KING of the cereal box vampires, Dracula.", I turn to yell in the direction that the caped menace ran off in, "Better?!" We never found the kid, but to be fair, it was a half-assed search mission.

When I went downstairs to join the meeting about all of the crazy things happening in the hotel, I noticed that the front desk receptionist was acting frustrated and frazzled. When I asked her why, she told me that the phone keeps ringing, but when she answers it, there's nothing but a dial tone. I did a quick search of the desk area and found a micro cassette recorder and it was playing a tape on loop of the front desk phone ringing every thirty seconds. I turned it off, slipped it into my pocket, and let the receptionist know that she's good now. She thanked me, jaw agape.

I walk into the meeting area and sit in my usual assigned spot which happens to be close to the new employee, Cheryl. She's having a very in depth personal conversation with the woman next to her. They're having a good time sharing all sorts of details of their lives and experiences. She's a master at conversation and making people feel comfortable enough to open up to her. I also hear her not only spill details about herself, but about several other people by name, too. I was kind of amazed at how she dropped such personal details about others with such ease as to not rattle the other person she was speaking with and continue the flow. As I watched them, there was a scream.

We look over to an empty chair, and behind it is another employee, standing with her hand over her mouth, and looking down at the chair through a stream of tears. She wailed, "Who did this?! WHO. Did. THIS?!" We all looked confused. Before anyone could say anything, she ran from the room. When another woman looked in the chair, she gasped. She picked up a container of baby food as others started murmuring. I sat there in silence with the knowledge that the woman had recently had a miscarriage. I look at Cheryl who whispers to herself, "It's happening, again!" Suddenly, my magical dream detective mind starts to put the clues together. 

"Cheryl?", I asked as I turned to her. She looked at me, "Yes?" I start my grilling, "About how many hours do you put into a typical workweek?" Confused, she says, "Oh, uh, I dunno... about 60-ish hours, give or take... but mostly give." I nod, "And do you know the name of the woman that just left?" Still bewildered, "Yeah. That was Connie. She just recently had a miscarriage. Oh, it was tragic. I told my husband about it and we both felt so awful and thanked the lord above for our two boys..." She went on and on as her voice faded.

Then it all clicked. I solved it. BUT, with this being set in dream territory, there's no satisfying end. I didn't get to actually solve it out loud to all of the other dream actors. It was all internal; Cheryl was a workaholic mom who didn't spend enough time with her kids, so they sabotaged her job with "supernatural" pranks so that the hotel would be shut down and she could spend time with them. That's it. Case solved. In my head. 

As I was waking up and the dream was ending, the scene turned into one that was on a TV screen and I was the actor no more, but the spectator. Cheryl, according to the rules of a gay man's dream-space, launched into a song complete with subtitles so that I could sing along.

I never got to.

Sunday, July 19, 2020

Twenty-Twenty: Advice to Get By

In this very tough time of plagues, politics, and phuckery, it can be hard to stay positive, or at the very least, sane. With a world of information at our fingertips, it can be tempting to click on all links through tangent rabbit holes where you can very quickly, and quite literary, lose 'yourself'. That's why I'd like to share my method of keeping sane(ish), staying positive(ish), and holding on for dear life to my humor through all of this ish. This is my advice on what works for ME, so it may need some adjustments to work for YOU, but the structure remains consistent. If you find it necessary to be on the internet, please take this guide with you, because it's dangerous to go alone...

1. Limit your time online. I know that is asking a LOT, but if you are following even a portion of this guide, it's possible.

2. Trust ONLY actual, official news stories from actual, official news websites. Also, try to get the unbiased news; facts only! No more BubbaFreedomNewsDotCom and no more conspiracy theories. If it takes an hour long story to set up any reported facts, run away! Those can be more toxic than anything out there.

3a. Stay away from politics. Period. Just focus on FACTS. Facts are simple true statements that have no bias, motive, or the hunger to spread and change views. They're just truths, they just exist, they just... are. If you believe them, awesome. If you don't, that's fine, they're cool with that. They still remain as established facts.

3b. When scrolling online, try your best to not click on shared stories involving politics or politicians. No good can come from it. If at all possible, limit your political news to your immediate area and how things are being affected there.

4. This is a doozy that will help MOST of us get through this together; DO NOT POST ANY REPLIES TO YOUR FRIENDS' POSTS. PERIOD! If you agree with them, smile and scroll. If you disagree with them, frown for a moment, get over it, and scroll. If they mention making a blood sacrifice to the old gods to break the curse of 2020, have a moment of concern, consider reaching out or calling the authorities, don't do any of that, and scroll. We're friends for a few reasons, none of them based on our personal views of 2020. Let's keep it that way.

5. Be kind. To Friends. To family. To essential workers. To yourself. No matter what, please be kind. 2020 is having its way with all of us, we're all in the 'MeToo2020' support group, we are ALL having a very difficult time with ALL of this, so please do not add to it. Don't make it harder on others because it's hard on you. That is such a vicious cycle that needs to be stopped immediately.

6. Listen to science and medical staff. They are your new god, now. "Wear a mask!" Yes, Lord. "Stay inside!" Preach! "Work from home!" Amen! Kidding aside, we have always trusted doctors before this, so why are we not doing this now? "Take two of these, shove them up your butt, stay in bed for a week with a diet of broth and dreams." Yes, doctor! One week later and you're thanking them. Now it's, "Wear a mask for your 10 minute trip inside any public place." No! Eff you! Freedom! 'Murica! *cocks gun* It's this thinking that has kept us from getting over this crisis that should've ended MONTHS ago.

7. This is going to be a tender subject, so I'll try to be as gentle as possible... quit leaning on God. God is busy at the moment. You need to step up and take care of things with the tools, free will, intelligence, and educated individuals that your God has blessed you with. Don't leave it all on God. God doesn't do well with demands. Don't EXPECT miracles, MAKE them!

8. Have fun. Check out for the day or a few times a day to do something that is purely for you and your happiness. It can be anything! This is where it's perfectly fine to be selfish, but please do not do something that would negatively impact another person. I season my days by making stupid jokes and posting memes. I've always been addicted to making people laugh, so that is my go-to. It's totally selfish, but as a bonus, it makes others happy too. Even if only for a moment.

I could keep going, but I think these eight items are a great place to start. Eight is great! LOL! Yeah, that was terrible. Anyhoo, go out and spread rainbows or some crap. I'm going to go watch Unsolved Mysteries so I feel better about the hand I've been dealt and realize that it really isn't all that bad. According to this show, I could've been set on fire while being mugged by a ghost alien in the middle of Scotland for some reason. ^_^