Friday, December 3, 2021

Roseanne/The Conners Lost Scene

I seriously have the most entertaining dreams. My love for the television series Roseanne and the spin-off revival series The Conners has seeped into my oversaturated subconscious at a level I didn't know was possible. Knowing these characters better than my own family has allowed my mind to dream up full scenes that never existed, but are still absolutely true to the series and its cast. Now, I don't know a thing about writing a screenplay, but I did the best I could so I could just get it out there. The only thing that matters is that this made me wake up from my own laughter. Enjoy!



Roseanne/The Conners - Random "Lost" Opening

Scene: Two vehicles on a road trip, Darlene Conner (driver) and Nana Mary (passenger) in first car with Jackie Harris (driver) and Beverly Harris (passenger) close behind them.

First car, internal Nana Mary, sifts through her fanny pack pulling out an orange prescription bottle:
"Oh! I have Bev's meds!"

Darlene, glancing over:
"Are they important? Should we pull over?"

Nana Mary shakes her head:
"No, no. It's just her gas pills. She's always had a bit of a problem, especially when I'd bathe her. We used to call her Bubble Butt Bev. She thought it meant something else..."

Nana Mary pauses:
"I'll just let her know I got them."

Nana Mary proceeds to unbuckle her seat belt, roll down her window, hang her head out while facing the second car, and shakes the bottle of pills while yelling:
"Hey, Bev! I have your fart pills!"

Cut to second car, external, front-on, as we see Beverly's eyes widen with mouth agape.

Back to Nana Mary:
"Do you need one, hon?"

Beverly suddenly becomes very animated, flailing her arms, mouthing words at Nana Mary and then Jackie.

Nana Mary to Darlene:
"I can't tell what she's saying. Can you?"

Darlene looks in the rear view mirror:
"All I got was something something, you old bat, something, I wish I was adopted, something, nursing home, Jackie ram her, and the rest just looks like vowels."

Nana Mary:
"Oh, she's fussy. I bet it's gas."

Nana Mary pauses:
"Their sunroof is open..."

Nana briefly turns to Darlene:
"Watch this, kid."

Nana Mary opens the bottle and takes out a pill:
"Here, sweetie, take one of these."

Nana Mary tosses one of the pills at the car, hitting the windshield, causing Beverly to flinch in absolute shock as Jackie rolls her eyes.

Back to Nana Mary:
"Well, hell Bev, ya gotta TRY to catch it! Uh, hold on, I'm gonna try again."

Nana Mary once again tosses a pill at the windshield as Beverly sits in a frozen state of shock.

Nana Mary:
"Oh, dammit! Here!"

Nana Mary tosses a handful of pills at the windshield prompting Beverly into a full-on tantrum.

Back to first car interior, a mobile phone rings.

Darlene:
"Uh, Nana Mary. I think your fanny is ringing."

Nana Mary gets back into the car, reaches in her fanny pack, and pulls out a flip-phone:
"Huh. I always forget that I have this thing."

She flips it open, answering on speaker:
"Hello?"

Jackie, over the phone:
"Nana Mary, I love you, but if you don't stop antagonizing your daughter, so help me god I will drive off this road AND TAKE HER WITH ME!"

Line disconnects, Nana Mary turns to Darlene:
"Maybe we should pull over. She sounds gassy, too. Gets it from her mother."

Darlene, stoic:
"Really? I wonder where she gets it from?"

Darlene rolls down her automatic window.

Thursday, June 3, 2021

BUSSY!!!

 


*showing this to the hubby*

Him: Bussy?

Me: Boy pussy.

Him: What?

Me: Boy pussy!

Him: What?!

Me: BOY👏🏻PUSSY👏🏻!!!

Him: Oh my god, stop yelling "boy pussy" by the open window!!!

I just lose it, but internally I'm screaming, "Stop making me laugh! You're making me sputter-fart! They're so hot, I don't know if I'm shitting myself!"

So, there I was, laying on my back, legs kicking in the air, lost in a fit, just laughing and farting like a toddler, not knowing if I was "making" without my husband doing the mommy two finger check in the back.

No. I did not "make". And no. He did not check. 

Then, this scene is so vivid in my mind:

*Dog walker passing our house*

"Go poopies! Go p-"

"Boy pussy!"

"......... Uh..... G-go poo-"

"BOY PUSSY!!!"

"......... Hello, police?"

So, does this character think I'm demanding it, like, pounding the dinner table with a knife and fork, or is it a shout of surprise like I'm unwrapping some very inappropriate gift? "*gasp* Boy pussy! You shouldn't have!"


One of the top three funniest moments in my life!

Friday, April 30, 2021

Why Wry, My Sly Eye Sty?

 Little sty on my eye

Why do you make me cry

Hurts so much I want to die

What'd I do, tell me why

How I hate you, little sty

I will murder you, you can rely 

A hot poker to make you fry 

A quick pop and a sigh 

Until then, I'll just lie

And scream, "FUUUUUUUUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUUUUUUCK! FUCK YOU STY! FUCK YOU! FUCKING FUCK!"


Been watching a lot of South Park since I can only see shapes and colors, so it's best to hear all of that in Cartman's voice. 😉 (not a wink, that's just my face now)