MAR presents True Telemarketer Tales 10

The big number ten! I never thought I'd get TEN whole comics so fast! This job ROCKS!!!
As always, all comics are based on 100% true calls, names, and situations.

#10

Sassy Gay Hitler

Brad - I'm gonna photoshop a dead horse wand for ya. :=P

Brad - Ooo, Hitler smiley got all sassy with you!

Stacy - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Brad - That shirt and those shoes? Nein, bish. :=P

Brad - OMG, I want a sassy gay Hitler sketch.

Stacy - LMFJAO! (laughing my fucking Jewish ass off)

Brad - Oops, looks like I'M the flaming one, now! Heil yeah! *snaps* :=P

Brad - It totally writes itself.

Stacy - HAHAHAHAHA!

Morning Chats with Stacy & Brad

Been a while since I have done one of these:


Stacy - We have to do a SUMMER WATCH 2013. You definitely have to go to the airport with me to pick her up. :D

Brad - 'kay... you do know I work nights and sleep days, right? When is she arriving?

Stacy - Noon on Thursday the 30th.

Brad - Fine. Just remind me to go to bed early on Wednesday.

Stacy - "Fine"? :-/

Brad - I just woke up. "Fine" is sleepyese for "Huzzah! We shall goeth forth and picketh up Lady Summer! Oh, joy!"

Stacy - LOL, silly boy.

Brad - That's why you keep me around.

Stacy - So, if you had to guess what size you are... what would that size be?

Brad - Hefty. For what?!

Stacy - Shirt wise.

Brad - X-Large.

Stacy - Are you sure XL?!?!

Brad - Yep.

Stacy - Dude, you have a 52 chest?

Brad - o_0  Th' hell if I know! Last time I measured anything on my body, it wasn't my CHEST... I should also point out that I was 13 at the time... kinda sad to think of a grown ass man doing that... anyhooooooo...

Stacy - LMFAO ROTF. Nothing wrong with measuring... anything.

Brad - I'm good. I don't feel the need to prove anything. I'm secure in my... chest size.

Princess Pig

Here's a story:

Once upon a pig farm, there lived a passel of pigs (a passel is what you call a group of pigs). One day, the fancy Princess Pig of the group, with her fancy Princess Pig jewelry and fancy Princess Pig dress, stood up from the crowd that was bathing in the mud and proclaimed, "My word! Look at us! Bathing in MUD! We should learn to be more proper than that! We should evolve! We should be more than what we are!" To which the other pigs replied with, "Dude! I mean, your highness! If we don't bathe in the mud, we will surely perish! We cannot sweat, therefore, we have to find other means to cool ourselves off!" Princess Pig let off a royal snort, "Fools! Strive to overcome yourself! Don't give into nature! Be free of the tyranny of your filth! Be more than yourself!" All the other pigs just dismissed her with gruff honks and horks as they dove deep into the cooling mud puddles. Later that day they found Princess Pig laying on a clean smooth stone with her tiara slightly tilted. She wasn't breathing and smelled of a freshly cooked southern breakfast.

Moral of the story: be yourself or else you are going to DIE! ^_^

MAR presents True Telemarketer Tales 06, 07, 08, & 09

I present to you not one, not two, not three, but FOUR comics!  ^_^ 

Based on 100% true calls, names, and conversations!

#06

#07

#08

#09

MAR presents True Telemarketer Tales 05

Telemarketers are like Ghostface from Scream; you can TRY to hang up on them, but the call is coming from inside the house!  I mean... they're just gonna call back.

You should really know what to do by now...

MAR presents True Telemarketer Tales 04

Bueller...?  Bueller...?  Bueller.............?

Righty tighty, lefty clicky.

MAR presents True Telemarketer Tales 03

Who keeps naming these walking dick jokes?  Stand-up comedians and bullies?!

Mouse+Button=Joy!

Side story: At work, I took a call and asked for Leonardo. Right next to me, another employee asked for Raphael. Not comic worthy, but worth mentioning that we're calling friggin' turtles.

MAR presents True Telemarketer Tales 02

They just keep on comin'!  ^_^  As always, these are 100% true.

Clickity Clack!!

MAR presents True Telemarketer Tales 01

  I found a new place to get material from!  ^_^  I can vouch for all of these calls.  They are 100% true.

Get to clickin' already!!

MAR 10 - Going Retro!

I was bored at work today, so I decided to bring back MAR in retro style.  ^_^

Clickity Click!

R.I.P. "Shit Other People Say"

Hello, mah peeps.  I know I have not written anything in a very long time, once again, and for that I'm truly sorry.  Life stuffs keeps getting in the way.  The reason for this post is because one of my other blogs that I created on a whim, shitotherpeoplesay.com, is dying.  It is not nearly as popular as I thought that it might be. I received an e-mail stating that the domain that I purchased for this blog is going to expire soon.  Since I have no job at the moment and its glaring lack of traffic, I decided to not renew it and just archive what I have posted here.  It will live on as a totally separate segment here, so feel free to keep them coming in.  Just e-mail to ZaxxonQ@ZaxxonQ.com and I'd be more than happy to post it up here with a polite nod to you for your contribution.  A nod is all I can afford.  :-P

So, here ya have it... the entire collection of Shit Other People Say:

I don't think this yoga class is legit.

My Internal Dialogue for Other People:

(scene - couple exiting yoga class across the street)

Woman: Your Downward Dog was excellent, but your Pooping Hobo needs work.

Man: Your Reverse Warrior was spot on, but you kinda fumbled on the Weeping Stripper.

Here we have the Woman in Forest After Many Evians

Sticky Buddy Dub

Okay, I did not make this, but I really feel that this should be on this site.  This has made so many people BAWL with tears of laughter tonight, myself included.  I.  Could.  Not.  Breathe!!!  X-D

St. Paddy's Shenanigans

Overheard at The Mucky Duck bar while enjoying green beer in celebration of St. Patrick's Day:

"You motorboating son of a bitch!  C'mere!"

"Our bodies can't digest the dye they use for the green beer.  We're all gonna have diarrhea for a week."

"Which of us do you think would survive a zombie apocalypse?"

"*inaudible* Blaahhhrrggggh I'd fokin' take his gun an' mmuurphle pop his grrraaaahh..."

*waiting for a turn in the restroom as someone exits the stall*  "Thank you."  o_0  Thank you???  WTF?

Shrew you!


I love it when people mangle grammar! ^_^

"Aannnddd that's the end of commenting on anything for me. Done getting shrew remarks."

A "Shrew Remark"

We hire a classy bunch...

Overheard at work:

"You heard from Nicole? No? Call her, and make sure she ain't in jail."

-Steph 

Inking!

Totally made up conversation in my head:

Woman:  I want a tattoo.

Man:  What?!  No!  That's tacky and filthy!  That's like telling me you want to have sex with Charlie Sheen!

Woman:  Nah, the tattoo would be easier to wash off.

RAWR!

Overheard:

Horrid talking twig with hair to another girl:  OMG!  Did you see Sally?!  She's gotten so big!  She's practically 'obeast'!

Me thinking:  Bitch, it's 'obese', not 'obeast'.  She's not an animal, just fat.  Also, just because you can slide in and pick a lock with your head doesn't make anyone bigger than you obese.

Adele, on the other, hand is obeast.

Like a wharf on a hot summer's eve...

Munch on brunch.

(scene: two people, a guy and a girl, eating brunch.)

Guy:  Oh my god, that's so dry!  *joking* Is that cornmeal or sand?!

Girl:  *dead serious* Oh no, that's cornmeal.

Guy:  *poker face*

(later)

Girl:  There's a woman over there that looks like a... um... one of those... uh... what's the word?  ...........whore.

Can't believe I found a whore eating sand for this post.

They're Grrrrr... not so good!

After being blown off yet again...

"Bitch Flakes!  Flaky bitches with an indecisive coating.  Wishy-washy them down with a glass of meh.  Part of this balance pissed Brad.  >_<"

Nasty White Creamy Goo

I HATE it when people say that mayonnaise and Miracle Whip are the same thing.  >_<

Not me - "Do you want mayo or mustard?"

Me - "Mayo."

Not Me - *grabs Miracle Whip*

Me - "Um, that's not mayo..."

Not Me - "Same thing."

Me - "NO IT'S NOT, YOU LEAKY CUNT!  Mayonnaise is pure, natural, and delicious!  Miracle Whip is a chemical abomination from the depths of Hell shat out by Satan himself that totally RUINS any and every food item it touches!!!  Why the FUCK would I want a SWEET sandwich or SUGARY deviled eggs, you culinary RETARD?!"

See also - http://theoatmeal.com/blog/miracle_whip

Happy Independence..... oh...

Overheard:

(scene: guy and girl preparing for a Fourth of July party)

Guy:  So, one of my coworkers took off for seven days for the Fourth of July.  Why in the hell would anyone need to celebrate for that long?!

Girl:  Well, maybe his ancestors came over on the Mayflower?

Guy:  Yeah... in shackles.

Girl:  O_O

Is it stupid in here, or is it just you?


Headline:  "Two Million Dollar Medical Bill Awaits Comatose Aurora Shooting Victim"

Moron Commenter:  "At least he got to meet Christian Bale"

Me:

The Cycle

Jesus Christ, it's been so long since I have actually had the time, energy, and ambition to write ANYTHING!  My GOD, how I miss it!!!  >_<  I really need to win the lottery so I can do this shit full time!  For.  Real.

Or... I need to sell more of my books.  Amazon.com and other links are in the sidebar for physical copies as well as eReader versions.  Jusayin'.  ^_-

The Cycle 12-16-12

Meet me, love me, take me, claim me,

hold me, kiss me, suck me, fuck me,

leave me, fail me, harm me, maim me,

dis me, curse me, dump me, chuck me,

tempt me, blind me, beg me, shame me,

use me, drain me, bleed me, fool me,

burn me, smoke me, torch me, flame me,

blow me, jilt me, quit me, fuel me.

I rise, I start, I love, I care,

I am, I'm me, I strive, I feel,

I walk, I move, I go, I bear,

I take, I give, I hurt... I'll heal...