Oh, Deven Green, how I love you; let me shpank the ways...

If you do not know who this fabulush woman is, you simply MUSHT look her up (Deven Green - Face Full of Fashion)!  You will roll on the floor laughing like a crack whore getting her first hit of the day!  This was the first "Brenda" video that I ever saw; there ARE more, but you really gotta Google for them, and I don't mean the moisht googling, either.  These are based on vanity videos that were, for lack of a better term, a meme or a fad in the 80's.  Lots of stars felt that they were SO amazing they thought they would do their fans a favor and take them on video tours of their homes, their wardrobes, diet plans, various belongings, and other little self administered ego trips.  Now, they are the sad remnants of a once radical and lush decade and the butt of many a joke.  This one in particular was a series of dubbed videos that Deven did staring the soap opera has-been Brenda Dickson called "Welcome to my Home".  Ever since they became popular, Brenda fans have written angry letters to Deven begging her to take them down.  Deven did comply, but with the rabid fan-base that had already been established, you just can't keep these videos from popping up (thankfully).  You'd think that Brenda would appreciate having her name on the lips of people once again!  Oh well.  Anyhoo, here is the first video (that I was subjected to), prompted me to become a rabid fan myself, coaxed me and my friends to play Brendaisms every time we get together (making up phrases that "Brenda" would say), and whip up my own Brendaism posts below.

Enjoy, ya buncha junkies!  ^_-

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I showcase all my handmade nighties before getting my full three hours of rest. This one I made out of doilies and cheesecloth. A waft of Gouda is so relaxing and comforful. Blue and green leopard spot backdrop?! Yesh, please! Hand on impossibly thin waist, stare vacantly, and *click*. Another successful slumber shot. I always sleep standing up, just like Macy's mannequins. Also, I never close my eyes. I don't even blink for that matter. I don't want to miss any shugar daddies that may pass my hypnotic gaze. How else am I to land that money boat? Now, if you'll excushe me, I must retire for the evening, but feel free to keep looking at me. I may be resting, but fashion never sleeps. Good night and enjoy your yum-yums."

"If you really want to make a fashion statement, and really, who doesn't, say it with shoulders! People just can't help but lishten! Don't just get shoulder pads; go the extra mile and get real shoulders like Muffy McFlat-Chest here. If you really want to make that commitment, get shoulder implants! Guaranteed to make EVERY outfit fashion. Also, pick a color that is sure to demand attention when you walk in the Grand Gala Ballroom. Take this color for example; banshee's scream salmon. You'll turn heads faster than you turn tricks! Another helpful tip is to slick your hair back with WD-40. It'll stay in place AND stop untimely squeaking. With your hair up, people can soak in every ounce of your attire; like cows to a salt lick. Moooooo. Oh dear, it looks like she dropped something. Poor thing has lost her self-reproach. She's shameless! Shee what I did there? It's called a antigdoke... antidork... a clever joke. Go ahead and use it. First hit's free."

After you soak in the videos, feel free to post your own Brendaisms!!!  Spread the joy!

***UPDATE***

Here's a bonus video; her latest and greatest masterpiece!  ^_^

Black Morning 1-11-2012

Will prolly be posting more poems on here since I have re-joined the poetry group.  Enjoy!  ^_^

Black Morning 1-11-2012

The morning cracks

Shatters my slumber

Torn awake

ripped asunder

reach for the fuel

the mug of mud

to pep me up

and rush the blood

My dark nectar

My liquid lover

My saccharin surrender

My beautiful bitter

An empty cup of hot

How I love the linger

Helps me to give

the morning the finger

Solo Sequel 01-10-2012

I posted this on a poetry group, one that I had left a while back but have decided to join again, and just HAD to post it here for archival sake.  It is a companion piece to another poem, in my book, titled "Solo" which I will post here as well.

Yes, the Beat-Off Bard is back.  :-P

(That's BARD, not BRAD; one is clever, the other is just sad. [Hey!  there's a poem right there!  ^_^])

Solo 11-11-1999

Isolation-

My elusive eternal dark lover,

my right hand man,

my security blanket under the covers.

Stare dumbfounded into the night.

A solo beat rhythms my heart.

Perspire steam and salt so sweet.

A single sigh just to start.

Exotic fantasies fulfilled.

Divine desires dreamt, live.

The darker the sin, the better.

Giving it all I can give.

Ecstasy discovered within thyself.

A good singer needs no band.

Who knows you better than you?

Practice makes perfectly talented hands.

Solo Sequel 01-10-2012

The fruit of my loins

is never ripe

plucked too early

with stammering hype

A quickie, a tug

A scenario perfection

A bared solo soul

An unneeded protection

Dry, wet,

I'll take what I get

Fast, slow, 

At home, on the go

Caught in a tissue

Tossed without regret

is that abortion

or child abandonment?

***UPDATE***  A fellow group member commented on my poem with this:

Jerking the chicken

Choking it too,

Why can't the girls

Have some fun with words too?

Not a word about flowers,

Or tending a garden,

We don't even have

A good word for hard-on.

LOVE IT!!!  ^_^

I've just been Ma'am-ogram'd

Stacy:  I think I want to leave 5 minutes early and take Angelina to dance class tonight.
               (Angelina is her new sexy Corvette)
Brad:  Show off the girl, huh?
Stacy:  Yes ma'am! 
Stacy:  MA'AM?!?!?!  What the fuck?!?! 
Brad:  *looks at penis*  Ma'am?  o_0  *looks at Kiki's wig*  Never mind.  -_-
Stacy:  LMFAO!  Touche

Hey! YouTube! I OWN me!

Firebird 12-28-2011

Firebird 12-28-2011

In a glance that turns to fire

burns so brilliant, yet so brief

seething romance; heated desire

left in refuse and ashen grief

A passing gust takes away

the flakes of love that once were

to pass on in frightful fray

and pile complacent and endure

Sitting alone in shifting stance

wallowing deep in blacken soot

nostalgia over happenstance

given sight beyond astute

The flames erupt once again

ever glowing, growing, and brash

rebirth among the bleaker Zen

like a phoenix from the ash

Ho ho h-oh my GOD!

Stacy:  How was your Christmas?

Brad:  Was good.  Kenzi, upon first meeting Mom and Mam-Ma, was pulling on her leash away from them, went ape shit berserk, and tried to bite Mom.  Was very odd.  She never did that before.  Once we got to Mom's and she started with the treats, Kenzi warmed up real quick; even curled up in bed with her.  LOL, silly little black bitch.  :-P  Then, at the gathering the next day, she just stayed in my lap the entire time.

Stacy:  LMFAO @ silly little black bitch.

Brad:  For real!  She acted like mom's hands were made of knives, covered in tarantulas, and set on fire!  Freaked the fuck out!  Hair stood on her back and everything!  BEAST MODE ACTIVATE! RAWR!!!  O_O

Stacy:  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  I need beast mode.

Brad:  Then, back at Mom's house, she reached down for her, Kenzi ran, Mom gave chase, caught her, then made a face and looked around, "Did she just poop?!" I look at her puzzled, "No."  Then it hit me; a VERY sharp, pungent odor reeking of fresh hell and squirty shits.  Fuckin' A, I thought she crapped battery acid!  Nope, just rancid fear farts.  Mom scared the toots outta her.  Good to know she has a natural defense against predators.

Stacy:  LMFAO ROTF... Oh... My... God.

Brad:  "Boy how-dee, that was stout!" <--- Gotta love a redneck mom.

Stacy:  Sounds like I missed a good time!

12-22-2011 aka Christmas Eve Eve Eve

MAR 08

A present to all of you.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYONE!!!

^_^

(psst... click it.  ^_-)

Why I don't breed...

This one time, at band camp...

Brad: Olive Garden really isn't the best... but it sure is good when it's free!

Stacy: HAHAHAHA, no doubt!  Everything tastes better when it's free!

Brad: Man, I AM a Jew... just told a friend the same thing I told you and she said "Hey, you can't complain; it's free."
          I said, "Watch me."

Stacy: LMFAO ROTF.  I'm rubbing off on you

Brad: "Can you believe these bread sticks?!  As cold and tough as my ex-husband!  And this salad!  Yeesh!
            It's 50% fekokteh onions!"

Stacy: OMFG ... how long did it take you to figure out a spelling for "fekokteh"?  Fakakta.

Brad: LOL!!!  I thank Google... I searched "yiddish fucking"... with the adult filter ON, thank you very much.

Stacy: LMFAOROTF... OMG, I might just pee a little

Brad: I want Yiddish "fucking", not "Yiddish fucking"!  Oy vey!
          (I have a little old Jewish man accent in my head right now)

Stacy: Oh, Brad.... stoooooop!  I'm going to peeeeeeee!

Brad: OMG, that is the fastest onions have ever acted!  O_O  I got some gas BAD!  About to toot my dook-horn
          aka butt trumpet!  Seriously... the salad was about 50% onions.

Stacy: Butt TUBA more like it.

Brad: HEY!!!  ......... shaddap.  At least I got a nice, deep, baritone bellow and not a fruity gay little piccolo tweet.

Stacy: OMG piccolo farts!  I'm totally using that!

Brad: Piccolo Butt= *chirp*  "What was that?!"  "..... bird."
          Me= *ahWOOOOOGAH*  "What was THAT?!"  "Ships are coming in."

Stacy: LOL!  On the drive to work... dude... I smoked myself out.  It was baaad.  I don't even know what I ate!  I thought it was a little poot... it assaulted my nasel passages with such a vengence... I almost had to apologize ... to myself...

Brad: ROFLMAO!!!!!!!  Stop it!  You're gonna make me clear out the office!

Well Wishes

Stacy: Okay, peace out.  Going to the pousoix doctore (that's French for 'lady bits doctor').

Brad: LOL, 'kay.
Good... luck...?  o_0
Not sure what to say here...
Let 'em have it?
Go get 'em, tiger?
Break a.... leg?
Happy trails?
Atta girl?
Sic 'em?
Ready, set, go?
Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya?
Eat fresh?
Ride 'em, cow... girl?
A bird in the hand is worth two in the... bush?
All's well that ends well?
Like a rock?
Like a virgin?
If it doesnt fit, you must acquit?
Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman?
C'est la vie?
Gettin' jiggy wit it?
Carpe pousoix?
You are woman, hear you... roar?
Soup that eats like a meal?
Who let the dogs out?
Don't count your chickens before they hatch?
Built Ford tough?
Shoot for the moon; even if you miss, you'll land among the... pousoix?
More than three shakes and you're playing with it?
Caught between a rock and a hard place?
Blood is thicker than water?
All good things must come to an end?
You're every woman?
Don't go chasing waterfalls?
No means no?
I forgot the 'naked' part... that's a good part...?

A Story of Stupidity

For me to tell my Story of Stupidity of today, I must first take you back to a previous conversation that I had with Stacy a few months ago.  Join me, won't you?

*hops in TARDIS*

Brad: My GAWD, stupid people make me wanna drink! >_<
Stacy: What stupidity have you encountered that makes you want to drink so early in the morning?
Brad: There is a new treasurer for one of my clients... when a bank will not help us with their accounts, we have to work with them to get them to work with the bank to clear up the issues we are having... capice?
Stacy: Follow you so far...
Brad: Well, this newbie sounds and acts like he just fell off the short bus after licking all the windows... :-/ srsly... f'real.... I have no idea who he blew to get this job.  So, of course once he is hired, I have issues with a bunch of different accounts for them and have to work with him.  He's frustratingly DUMB.  There is no other word for it.
Stacy: Ugh, I feel your pain.
Brad: I give him ALL the information and instructions that he needs in order to contact the bank and resolve shit, and he STILL insist on responding to my e-mails with a telephone call... "Uh, so, uhm, you need me to call dis here bank?"  :-|  "Yes, Jethro!"  >_<  Also, I do not get responding to my e-mails with a phone call... he USED to reply to the e-mail and then immediately call, "Hey Brad, I replied to your e-mail."  Really? No shit?!  :-|
Stacy: ...are you serious?
Brad: VERY serious.  So, now I just ignore the phone when I see it's from him... which in turn forces him to reply by e-mail.  I need a shot.  >_<

*hops out of TARDIS*

Now that you know the backstory and have been introduced to the Most Ignorant Sumbitch Known to Man, I can now tell my tale...

Earlier this week, I sent an e-mail to a client basically stating this: "This account has become locked out.  Could you please contact the bank and have them unlock it?" and gave ALL the information that was needed for the client to do so.  A day later, to my utter shock and surprise, I receive the reset password for the locked account in question from the client.  He has NEVER been so efficient and competent!  I was impressed!  So, I log in with the new temporary password, change it to the new permanent password, and process the account like normal for a few days.

Yesterday, the account was locked out again!  It definitely was not me because I was just trying it for the first time that day, plus I am the only one that uses this set of logins to access this account.  So, I send the e-mail again; "This account has become locked out.  Could you please contact the bank and have them unlock it?" and gave ALL the information that was needed for the client to do so.  I come to work this morning with a voicemail form that client representative that just loves to lick all the windows on the short bus, "Hey, uh, Brad... uhm, I need to speak with you about dis here bank dat you e-mailed me about.  I just unlocked it earlier this, uh, week, and I, urm, need to talk to you about it.  If you could, please, uh, call me back so I can, uuuuhhhhh, speak to you........ about this account......... that I unlocked before......."  That was it.  No call back number, no reasoning why he needed to speak with ME to get the account unlocked.  No explaining the multiple long pauses and ums that were muttered.  Nada.

Number one, if I e-mail you, please have the common sense to use e-mail to contact me back.  It is way more convenient for both of use since I am constantly busy and can't really yabber on the phone while working; plus it seems you need time to gather your thoughts first before you let them spill out.  Better to put them in an organized e-mail than let them dribble from your stupid gaping slack-jawed maw.

Number two, if you leave me a voice mail, have the common sense to leave a call back number.  Yes, I CAN go back to previous e-mails to find it in your signature, but that is a lot of unnecessary legwork and wasted time.  Thanks for that, jerk.

Number three, I AM NOT THE FUCKING BANK!  Why the HELL do you need to talk to ME?!  I gave you ALL the fucking information that you need to get this resolved!  Call.  The.  Bank!  If I call you back, I am going to tell you THE EXACT SAME FUCKING THING THAT I JUST FUCKING E-MAILED TO YOU AND THEN TELL YOUR STUPID ASS TO CALL THE BANK!  AAAHHHHHHHHRRRRRGGGGG!!!!!  >_<

Well... I feel better!  ^_^  Continuing with the story... I erased his voicemail with no intention of calling him back and instead sent him an e-mail:

"I received your voicemail this morning about this account.  I apologize, but I will not be able to call you as I will be away from my desk for most of the day.  Yes, you did manage to unlock it and sent me the temporary password; I was able to log in, change the password, and access the account a few days after that.  Now it has become locked out again, and I am not sure why.  This is something that needs to be discussed and resolved with the bank.  Just let them know of this details of this issue and they should be able to help you out."

Yes, it was a little fib, but how else am I going to train this dumb-ass?!  Guess what?  It worked!  He e-mailed me letting me know that, lo and behold, he called the bank and got the account unlocked.  See, Jethro, why was that so hard?  Why put me through the stress and wasted time?  Why make me waste even more time blogging about your incompetence in this very article?

I know why...

You are just straight up fucking retarded.