Wednesday, July 30, 2014

"Sleepless"

     Danny curled his knees up on the king sized, underneath the down filled cotton, propped up by a memory foam, as a fluorescent illuminated brightly a copy of another Stephen King.  He was halfway through when he glanced at the glaringly crimson "twelve oh-one" scolding him from across the room.  He still wasn't tired, despite another full day of working on the two-storied fixer-upper he recently invested in.

     It was barely a remnant of the house that was, with its rusty memories and dusty tales of residents past.  As it was, a corpse-shell of a once living establishment, the neighborhood kids spun many whimsical urban legends about its shadowy fixtures, faded pigments, and cracked structures.  The fact that none of them were rooted in any sort of reality or truth didn't stop them from spreading like a pox on small town boredom.  The only thing special about the place was that it wasn't special at all.  Just a greatly neglected house on an ordinary street in a dull suburb with children that don't have anything better to do than to spread vile, incorrect rumors.

     Danny hoped to alleviate some of the false myths about his acquired home with fresh coats of acrylic, shiny copper, and new panes clear enough to help brighten the whole of the house.  It was now after midnight and he had to rely on the artificial light until he either finally shut his eyes or until morning arrived; whichever came first, to which Danny placed wages on the latter.  He took his gaze off of the judgemental digital alarm and scanned the page for where his eyes abandoned.

CRASH!

     The sound interrupted Danny's optical word hunt.  His mind raced to match the proper scenario to the sound, which took him little effort since it was clearly unmistakable; another pane of glass that was propped up by the downstairs front door had tipped over and shattered.  "Shit", he muttered, "There goes another one."  As he chose to ignore the situation and go back to his book rather than deal and clean, another sound followed the first.  It was footsteps running across the hardwood toward the stairs.  Danny closed his book, placed it in his lap, and remained motionless as he focused his eyes to the ajar darkness of the bedroom door.  He remained motionless as he used his entire body to tune in to every decibel of disturbance in the house.  The footsteps did not stop at the stairs; they chose instead to climb them with heavy thumps accompanied by indistinct whispering and giggling.  Unblinking, he faced the sliver of black, the void where the commotion was originating.  "Hey!", Danny shouted, his voice startling himself with the sheer absent-minded volume, to which the footsteps and voices responded with an abrupt halt.  He waited for what seemed like hours of still silence before the sounds started up again, right where they left off.  "I said, 'HEY!'", Danny kept stern to the volume this time.  The black void greeted his outburst with giggles, almost pleased with the annoyance of the bedroom dweller.  He furrowed his smooth brow into one with endless canyons of anger and discontent.  The door slowly started to move, announcing its opening with an unlubricated creak of the hinges.

     Danny didn't budge.  The door continued on a steady path.  He blinked.  The door stopped at a perfect forty-five degree angle, almost mocking him in its own wooden way.  Everything was still.  He was reminded of a saying that fit this situation: it was so quiet you could hear a mouse fart.  Danny hated mice, so he promptly broke the muted tension with a nostril inhale and then his voice, "I thought I told you to..."  The blood hit the ceiling with a sharp splat first, as it always did, followed by the dropping of a body with a heavy thud at the foot of the bed.  The body, one of a young girl in a yellow dress splotched with dried maroon, got up and stared at Danny with hollow dark where her eyes once rested; her lifeless, alabaster cheeks bunched up then stretched out as she opened her mouth, tearing the flesh at the corners, and shrieked directly at him as opaque obsidian oozed out of her jaws and sockets.  Danny leaned into the scream and braced himself as the dead rot breath permeated his every being.  Watery-eyed, he held back the vomit in order to instead finish and spew out, "...GO TO BED!!!"  The child huffed, screamed once more, shattering the light bulb in the process, and stormed out, slamming the door behind her without even batting an undead eyelash.

     Danny sighed, leaned over the side of the bed, reached in a plain cardboard box, and pulled out another high-efficient bulb.  He twirled it into its new home as it thanked him with super-bright white.  He looked up, out of human nature. The blood stain was gone, again.  The smell of decay was quickly dissipating.  The stomps of a cranky dead girl were fading into the night.  He turned back to the clock; "twelve oh-nine" was its response.  "Every night", he grumbled, "Every damn night."  He picked up his book and continued reading until sunrise.

     The weeks passed by, the repairs healed the house, the light bulb body count increased, and the sleepless nights were taking their toll on Danny.  When he thought that he just couldn't handle the repairs or the nights anymore, he was finally finished.  Exhausted, he hung up the sign on the post planted in the fresh, revitalized lawn: "FOR RENT, 3bed/3bath, $1000/month, (non-refundable security deposit required) Call or E-Mail!"  Danny looked at the sign with a beam of pride, "Might as well make a little something for all my hard work!"

     He hopped into the driver's side of his truck, pulled down the sun visor, and removed a tattered image of a grinning, chubby-cheeked moppet in a yellow dress.  He smiled, turned the picture over, and read his own faded handwriting:

"Annabelle.  My First."

Friday, June 27, 2014

Bound (Jump the Gun)

Bound (Jump the Gun)  06-26-2014

I have a tendency, a compulsion, a knack
To live the worst before it falls
Easily tempted off my track
Morose ridden, it lies and stalls

It's already happened
It's already near
It's already been penned
It's already here

I struggle with the fiction
before it becomes fact
I cringe at the diction
and, again, overreact

I bound forward distraught
I just jumped the gun
It never fired a shot
I haven't yet begun

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Icarus

Icarus 04-01-2014

Falling and flying
at the same time
breathing passing clouds
soaking in the sublime

Touching airplane bottoms
As passengers gawk
The birds try to converse
But I don't speak "squawk"

After a fantastic trip
The ground grows near
Hey!
I can see my house from here!

As I approach my landing
I see the one I adore
He says "I love you", again
and I'm soaring once more

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Pink

I want to tell you a tale.  A tale of a little six year old boy named Brandon.  Brandon wasn't like most boys.  He didn't care for He-Man, G.I. Joe, Transformers, or other "typical" 80's young boy's toy and cartoon fare.  He didn't care for violence, wrestling, or other "macho" boy activities.  He didn't even care to hang around other boys!  Did this make him strange?  Maybe, but he never even thought about things like "Am I normal?", "Do I fit in?", or "I shouldn't be liking this; I should be liking that."  He was too occupied with his busy little days of just simply enjoying things that he enjoyed just for the sheer fact that he enjoyed them!  One day in class, there was an art project for Mother's Day.  The project consisted of taking a black and white photo of yourself, putting it in a clear plastic heart, and gluing a bow on the front.  Seemed simple and sweet enough.  The bow was also offered in two pastel choices; baby blue and blushing pink!  Simple, right?!  As the other members of Brandon's class finished their mothers' gifts, they all took to a single file line to get the ribbon put on since they were too young to handle a hot-glue gun.  Brandon knew exactly which one he wanted from the start; pink!  He thought it was WAY more rad than blue and also thought his mother would enjoy it more as well!  He noticed as the other children were picking out their bows, they were falling into a pattern; boys chose blue, girls chose pink.  He thought to himself for a very brief moment, "Should I be getting blue because I'm a boy?!", but he quickly shooed it away like a pesky fly.  As he approached the teacher, she asked, "What color would you like, Brandon?  You want the blue one?" to which he replied with an enthusiastic, "Nope!  I want the pink one!"  The teacher paused for a moment as other children overheard his answer.  Various random snickering was heard, but he payed it no mind.  Even the teacher gave a coy grin, "Pink?  Are you sure?"  Brandon just stood his ground and remained resilient in his choice, "Yep!  Pink!  Mama will like that better!"  "Oh!", the teacher sighed in relief, "Okay.  Pink... for your mama...", and she hot-glued the blushing pink to the heart.
Brandon took his present back from the teacher and gave a huge beaming grin knowing that when he gave this to his mother, she'd be tickled... well.... PINK!  ^_^

That heart, although a bit faded, is still residing on Mama's fridge.
A boy chose pink.  In this day and age, if this happens, people automatically jump the gun and assume he MUST be gay.  Yes, I am a grown gay male, now, but that is not why six year old Brandon chose pink nor did it have any basis on the person he was to become.  He didn't know what "gay" was let alone what sex even was!  He was six!  He just liked it better than blue!  It seemed more interesting!  He was also thinking of his mother since ultimately this item would be hers after all.  This decision was the purest form of an innocent, selfless, and loving gesture.  There was no hidden meaning behind it.  He didn't want to BE a girl.  He didn't know about the preestablished, sexist guidelines to being a boy.  He was just being himself; he was just being a child.  I long for the day when people don't try to find the hidden meaning behind things like this.  I say if you like pink, like pink!  Like blue!  Like lavender!  Like maroon!  Don't worry about what others might think about your choices!
This is your life, and if you wanna live it pink, I say, "Rad!"


Monday, February 17, 2014

Carrie Gets Her Revenge

Is it sad that I can crack myself up to the point of tears?  Foul and hilarious things just pour out of my mouth and take me by surprise.

I now know what it's like to be a Kanye West.

While playing Condemned: Criminal Origins on the XBOX360, a video game about serial killers, I'm tracking one down and wandering through an abandoned high school. I go through the gym, locker room, and a set of showers. Then I stumble across this second set of showers. I turn to Will and say:

"Oh, this must be the girls' showers..."

"Hey!  I just became a woman!" 
"Me too!" 
"Oh my god, me too!" 
"Period fight!!!"

It seriously looks like Carrie got her revenge on the other girls for the whole "plug it up" humiliation by using her telekinesis to make all of their vaginas explode simultaneously.  Yes, that is a fire axe in my hands.  Remember what Bloody the Bear says!  "Only YOU can prevent period fights!"

In other news, that joke may have just cost me my fiance.  :-P

Also, you may have noticed that the site looks a little bare these days.  No pictures and all links to pictures lead to dead ends.  That's because the bastards at Razzi.me decided to just fall off the face of the fucking planet with no warning whatsoever.  Awesome.  So now I have to find somewhere else to host pics and do a bit of maintenance.  Thanks, Razzi!  >_<

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Getting Older & Staying that Grade-School Kid (with potty humor) - A Birthday Post

I awake this beautiful birthday morning with the love of my life still sleeping beside me and as I am welcomed to the online world with warm Facebook birthday wishes from friends and family, I realize something...

I'm content.

I mean, yeah, of course it would be awesome to win the lottery or something, but I feel far richer than any stale billionaire that sits eccentrically alone in his mansion of material wealth.  I'm lucky.  I have a job, a house, awesome noms, an adorkable kid (my little Kenzi Bo Lauren puppy-kins), not just one but TWO kick-ass families, multitudes of extended friendship-families, and I've found the ONE... the one I've been looking for my entire little life.  Not many people get to this point, and those that do sometimes even take it for granted.  I'm thankful to have not been born with the bitter tang of a silver spoon in my mouth, otherwise I fear I'd be one of those blind few.  I also don't think I would be able to laugh so damn much at everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, my life has had to offer.

(nice segue, eh?)

Laughter is the only thing that I can think of that is gratifying to all parties equally.  It's also the only form of exercising that I love to do and can't wait to do again!  I find that as I get older, my love of making others laugh no matter the means has never dwindled, even if that means airing out my own hilarious and embarrassing moments.  I mean, if I laugh at this stuff alone, it's a waste of a perfectly good joke!  (if a Brad laughs alone in the forest, does he make a sound?)  Which is why I say to hell with embarrassment and get right down to the funnies.  I have always looked up to MANY comedians for their ability to stand up and bluntly tell it how it is.  I yearn to emulate that.  So, what better way to start (or is that 'continue'?) than to share with you something that happened to me recently.  Something that others might be mortified to share, but I say "Fuck it".  Life's short and ya gotta leave behind SOME sort of legacy!  Even if that legacy is some cheap, dirty, potty humor.

(warning: yes, this is awful, disgusting, and horrible... but also pretty damn hilarious; read at your own discretion)

My birthday gift to you...

I had not "evacuated" in a little over three days, despite having eaten quite a bit over the course of those days. I was extremely gassy, but that was all that ever abandoned ship. Then, finally, the USS Brad felt that familiar urge to go make a splash-down. SO, of course it takes some effort on my part, more so than the usual, and I just know the pain I'm feeling is either me slowly splitting in two or my very soul being wrenched from my body through my exposed rear. I was straining so much, I forgot to breathe, saw stars, and became winded.  There was no kersploosh 'cause it all came out in one very long, very hard, solid serving. So large in fact that once the pucker-pinch was activated, it fell forward instead of back, slapping my low hangers in the process. Yes... my goods received a brown high-five... or fist-bump... or whatever sick little celebration those two were having down there.  Like they were both so happy to meet.  "Yay!  You did it!  You arrived!"  I dunno to be more worried that I was THAT compacted, or that I'm getting so old that I can sling those dangly fuckers over my shoulder, to my chest, and into a bra.

^_^

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Fuck'd Dynasty (or) How to Discreetly Spread Your Own Brand of Bigotry

Let me start off by stating that I will try to be as unbiased as humanly possible, but that's like telling a Chinese delivery employee to 'calm the fuck down' after they answer the phone to your "Herro, Miss Ling-Ling Ching-Chong!  I rike some flied lice, prease!"*

Also, please take note of the various asterisks that will be littered all throughout this blog.  They will provide valuable insight and information that could calm the raging waters of retaliations that you may have at the ready.

Now, to set up our little story, let's go back to what started this.  Way back.  All the way back to... yesterday.  It seems that the Duck Dynasty "beloved star" Phil Robertson (I use quotes because I can only assume he is beloved and a star since he and his little ragtag group of shotgun totting, camouflage wearing, southern drawl-heavy brethren seem to have their hairy faces on everything from drinking glasses, lunchboxes, clocks, and pantyliners with wings [insert clever duck hunting pun/joke here]) had been quoted as to speaking out against homosexuality.  No, this is not, or should not, be a real shocker, since these people also praise the lord at the end of every episode, and from my personal experience, people who praise the lord also seem to want to speak for him/her/them/it.**

Quoted as saying:

“It seems like, to me, a vagina — as a man — would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical.” [...]

“Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men,” he says. Then he paraphrases Corinthians: “Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers—they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right." [...]

“We never, ever judge someone on who’s going to heaven, hell. That’s the Almighty’s job. We just love ’em, give ’em the good news about Jesus — whether they’re homosexuals, drunks, terrorists. We let God sort ’em out later, you see what I’m saying?"

I DO see what you're saying!  Thank you, Phil!  I absolutely LOVE it when my own homosexual nature is compared to sexual intercourse with a non-consenting non-human!  It makes perfect sense!  As a bonus to this little nugget of clarity, not only am I in the same category as a pig porker (ha, punny), I am also sharing a column with the Taliban!  I'm a mass murdering, man loving, bomb wearing terrorist with a chicken on my dick!  Thank you!  Thank you for this clarity!

Now, please, take that last paragraph as the "Miss Ling-Ling Ching-Chong"*** in me that is just outraged by the outright disrespect, slander, and and shameful bigotry that took place in his statements.  I'll try to now pander to the people that think this man has the freedom to say what he wants, believe what he wants, and have his own opinion.

Yes, it's true, we all have freedom of speech; we also have the right to bear arms.  In similar fashion, having a loaded gun is exactly like having a loaded mouth: we have the right to own and wield it and we have the right to protect ourselves, but you also must possess a certain level of responsibility with it and you also must deal with the consequences when it goes off.  "He didn't hurt anyone", you say?  Take into account of a gun being fired into the air.  Eventually the bullet has to land somewhere, right?  Yet he didn't state any of this in the air... he fired his mouth directly at our faces.

He also has a responsibility as a widely known public figure to never single out ANY one group of people and besmirch them in any way, shape, or form.  It also isn't a very good business strategy to demean a group of people that may just purchase your products.  Jusayin'.

So, yes, yay freedom of speech, but boo defamation of character.  Do you get the difference?

"But what he said didn't mean anything!  He has a right to his views!  Who cares what he says?"  I hear you, I do.  So, let's approach this from a different perspective.  Let's say you have a child.  Your child LOVES Duck Dynasty.  Phil is your child's absolute favorite person in the world!  They want to be JUST like him!  Then they overhear Phil say during a broadcast, "I hate vegetables!  I'll NEVER eat them!  I just wanna eat chocolate!  All day and all night!  Omnom, chocolate!"  Your child now will not eat vegetables at all, no matter what you do, how much you beg and barter, or how much you try to force them.  They just want to eat chocolate.  Your child gets diabetes, is malnourished, and dies.  You now have a dead kid.****

Okay, that may have been a bit too extreme, and my metaphor MAY have been over your head, so I will spell it out; that very impressionable, ignorant, and stubborn child is a representation of a certain special part of the population, a part of the population that has equality and the right to vote.  To VOTE!  Do you GET that?!  In this great nation, where freedom is SUPPOSED to be based on separation of church and state, where every human being should be treated as equals, where bigotry and ignorance should not only be brought to light and educated, but abolished completely, these people, THESE PEOPLE, with their foaming-at-the-mouth philistinism, that cower behind crosses and bibles and gods that speak through them, that judge and hate despite their god saying "Quit that!".... these people get to VOTE!  On things that actually matter!  This is an example of the ripple effect: cast the tiny stone of bigotry out and watch the waves of ignorance spread and grow.  Simple statement and view, quickly expands and increases in size, turns into a big ass ripple ruin.

Sorry, I feel another "Miss Ling-Ling Ching-Chong" moment coming on... No, I will not stand silently by as my rights, my simple human basic rights, are threatened EVERY FUCKING DAY.  Do you GET that?!  I have to STRUGGLE just to fucking EXIST!  Then this moron follows suit with other morons, fights against me when they don't even KNOW me, and I'm supposed to sit idly by and do nothing?  No.  Fuck the golden rule.  I'll do on to others as is done upon ME.  Why love your neighbor when they obviously don't give two duck shits about you?  There is never, I repeat, NEVER, going to be a point where we coexist... just a point where we learn, finally, to keep our loaded mouths with the safety on.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Don't get started on me being racist.  That is not the case at all.  What I did was an example and metaphor of what could happen.  Also, I did not nor would I EVER say ANYTHING so disrespectful as that to any actual person.

**Look, that's awesome that you have religion.  I applaud that.  I really do.  I do not mean to piss anyone off due to religious conflict, because looking at history, that went REALLY well (/sarcasm), but having religion is like having a penis; it's great to have one, but keep it to yourself and don't wave it around in public.  No one wants to see that shit.  I also don't want any laws based on your dick.  :-|

***Please reference the first paragraph.  Again, not being racist, just a metaphor for the type of mood I'm having throughout this.

****No children were harmed during the writing of this blog.  No, you do not have a child that I miraculously gave you simply by reading this nor did I just kill it off by going all Wonka on them and stuff them full of chocolate.

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[UPDATE] My good friend, Marci, also makes a VERY valid point about the whole "freedom of speech" debate...

"...so I'm going to get into this whole Duck Dynasty/A&E/Phil Robertson thing.

He is a paid "actor" by A&E. He represents A&E any time he appears in public (i.e. interviews, appearances, etc) A&E is a privately owned network.

The "freedom of speech" argument against his being suspended from the show is not valid. Freedom of speech means the GOVERNMENT cannot punish you for your words. In this case, A&E has every right to discipline their employee.

End of argument."

Monday, November 4, 2013

Finally Forever

Finally Forever 11-04-2013

The unbridled splendor in true love
The weightless abandon in total trust
The complete freedom in honest monogamy
The glory ultimate, brimming, robust

The key to my shackles
The light in my dark
The unmatched only
My heartbeat's patriarch

No words scribed or birthed
No expression so profound
No anything that is everything
To portray a feeling unrenowned

No voice that is worthy
Can sing this emotion
So, that silence that you hear
Will always be my devotion

Sunday, August 18, 2013

MAR presents True Telemarketer Tales 12 & 13 - The Finale

Here it is, folks... the finale of True Telemarketer Tales. I'm happy to say that I reached 13 'episodes' as I wanted when I first started this.  Hope you enjoyed them!  ^_^

As always, all comics are based on 100% true calls, names, and situations.

#12

#13

Monday, June 24, 2013

The Bottle

The Bottle 06-24-2013

Over the years, my heart has broken
Shattered into countless pieces
Grains of sand was all that remained
I stood alone while the beating ceases

Accepting my end, embracing the dark
Thinking the final steak to my heart
Had come to pass, with which I must part
I closed my eyes to let the finale start

He came to me out of the blue
My savior, my prince, my perfect
He swept up the shards, collected them all
The wonderful awesome, the absolute clicked

He put them all in a heart shaped bottle
He held it close to his own vessel
He said it would never again jostle
As our love, in his bosom, would forever nestle

Sunday, June 23, 2013

MAR presents True Telemarketer Tales 11

As always, all comics are based on 100% true calls, names, and situations.

Side Story: Not comic worthy, but SO worth mentioning... Sweet Home Alabama came on the intercom radio at work and I look at my screen... and I'm friggin' calling friggin' Reese Witherspoon!
No, not THE Reese Witherspoon, just someone with that name.
WEEEEIIIIIRRRRDDDD!!!!!

#11

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Where There's a Will...

Where There's a Will... 06-01-2013

I love my love like a summer day
I swoon and moon and flutter and sway
I bask in his glory as I lay
Where there's a Will, there's a way

I love my love like I love cake
The decadence dripping like a swollen lake
So sweet to the touch and never fake
Where there's a Will, there's a quake

I love my love, that's for sure
He's the one, the only, the all, the cure
The passion, the bliss, the perfect pure
Where there's a Will, there's a savior

I love my love, more than just a tad
My best friend, my confidant, my absolute comrade
He's the ultimate love I've ever had
Where there's a Will, there's a Brad

Yatta, my love... yatta.  ^_^

Friday, May 10, 2013

MAR presents True Telemarketer Tales 10

The big number ten! I never thought I'd get TEN whole comics so fast! This job ROCKS!!!
As always, all comics are based on 100% true calls, names, and situations.

#10