Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Hope, Don't Let Me Down

Hope, Don't Let Me Down 03-30-2010

So, there I was,
the blithering mess,
the quivering boy,
left to my devices,
of self destruct and loathing,
not knowing if I could walk again,
let alone stand.

Then enters desperation,
not the kind that you think,
the one dripping promises
of escape from the pain,
the hurt of a lifetime,
from lack of defenses
not wielded in years.

Begrudgingly lifted
the haphazard shields,
so awkward and clumsy,
too heavy a burden
for simultaneously wanting,
to let someone in.

The shields were lose bandages,
a covering of sorts,
still sloppily placed
with gaps left intentional
to feel the sting of air,
to know it was real,
to know I was still alive

The hope was an ointment,
a temporary crutch,
turned addiction to the dream,
the sweet flavor of 'what if?',
got drunk-sick off its prospect,
hung-over from awaiting,
still I nursed at the bottle.

I know there is an answer
laced at the bottom
of the swagger decanter,
I drink of the nectar,
and spit of the bitter,
a race to the bottom,
a race to salvation.

My hope in a bottle,
my hope in another,
my hope in myself,
my hope of the future,
my hope in hope itself.
Hope, don't let me down,
and I promise to do the same.


It’s funny how I have repetitively referenced drinking and alcohol in some of my more recent poems.  Thinking back on them, I can see the allure and similarities.  To crave for and find joy in something that could potentially hurt you or let you down seems to be my biggest recent struggles; the disappointment that would come from the source of my greatest happiness that could pose a threat to me as my greatest woe.  Although I’m not an alcoholic, I can comparatively see the ongoing struggle within between oneself and the bottle.  My figurative bottle: the never-ending chase for the elusive content and happiness and wrestling to keep hope alive against possible failure.  Doesn’t seem like much… 
... but then again, neither does a shot.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Gesundheit? o_0

A random conversation with April:

Brad: *sneezes*

April: Bless you!

Brad: Ahhh!  It BUUUURNS!  Take it back!  I'm allergic!  LOL!

April: Well, what am I supposed to say?  Go to hell?!


Can you just imagine that?!  ^_^

Person 1: *sneezes*

Person 2: Go to hell!!!

Person 1:  O_O

Thursday, March 25, 2010

03-25-2010 aka Roses are Red...

Roses are red (and pink)
Carnations are white
Guess who had
a fabulous night?


Wednesday, March 24, 2010

M.A.R. 02

Not really the best, but look at how happy Rae is!  ^_^

Click it!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

It’s a wonder Mrs. Garrett didn’t murder the girls!

Ugh!  I didn’t expect all of this crap when considering becoming a parent.  >_<  No, really... literal crap!  These girls poo constantly!  They eat, they poo.   They sleep, they poo.  They run on the little plastic wheel, they poo and the poo travels in circles with them!  UGH!  >_<

Plus they piss EVERYWHERE!  My GOD!  I have to clean the little plastic wheel and observation deck (now dubbed “poop deck”) everyday, sometimes twice a day!  I had no idea that something SO tiny could make such a big stench!  >_<  They are also on that fracking wheel all the damn time!  The clickity-clack of their little claws haunts my dreams at night!  Sometimes, they will even take a food pellet in there with them while running which is not unlike pennies in a dryer.  Why do they do it?!  I have no idea!  I think they hate me!  I’m gonna replace the solid plastic wheel with a classic metal mesh wheel and get rid of the poop deck.  Hopefully that’ll solve some problems.

I was thinking of getting a little black mouse to join them and calling her Tootie (no, that’s not racist, that’s just being historically accurate), but eff that idea in the bum!  Hell, I should’ve just gotten ONE mouse instead of two to ease myself into parenthood.  *sigh*  I dunno what I’m gonna do.  I though two tiny tiny mice would be easy.  Boy-how-dee was I wrong!  Anyone got any tips for a new dad?!

Friday, March 19, 2010

There will be Blood… just not in my mouth anymore. >_< (a review)

To tell this tale, we have to travel back. Back to X-mas of 2009. Since we were all snow & iced in, the girls (April & Steph) and I decided to have our night of gift exchange at the apartment rather than back in Cleburne and back at April’s place. They thoughtfully gave me an action figure of Dexter Morgan from the Showtime series Dexter. If you know me, you know that I’m in LOVE with Dexter. Along with the figure they included a bag of a new energy drink called Blood. If you know me, you know that I LOVE energy drinks. It looked so real in the tiny I.V. bag! Since I thought it was such a nifty novelty, I thought I’d keep it as long as it will last in the little plastic bag. It still rests on my closet shelf alongside Mr. Morgan. Sometimes when I go into my closet to change, I glance at it and briefly wonder what the energy drink taste like, and then continue what I was doing knowing that I would never actually open it and drink it.

Recently I had the opportunity to purchase another bag of the novelty refreshment. Since I was in need of a little boost, I figured “Why not?” When I got to the car, I opened the little white plastic tipped nozzle and was greeted by what can only be described as a “coagulated” bit of the drink blocking the opening of the nozzle. I thought that it was just some clever little extra that they included to make it more like real blood. I placed my lips on the tip, squeezed, gently sucked, and chewed on the coagulation while drinking some of the fluid. As I backed away from the opening and inhaled, I got the full on flavor of what I just devoured. Now, I don’t know if it was just a subliminal suggestion or what the case may be, but the shit actually tasted a bit like real effin’ blood. I almost upchucked. I read the package carefully to reassure myself that it was just a harmless energy drink: protein and iron infused fruit punch flavored B-vitamin energy supplement. Number one, fruit punch flavored my left butt cheek! Maybe it tastes like fruit punch after drinking fruit punch and then getting an actual punch in the mouth, but just plain ol’ fruit punch it was not. Second, maybe what I was tasting was the combination of it all; flavoring & B-vitamins swirling with the protein & iron. I’ve had energy drinks before, but none with the latter two ingredients which I imagine as the blood-flavoring culprits. Thankfully, I can push on in a mind-over-matter kind of way and just tell myself “it’s just an energy drink, it’s just an energy drink” and finished it without wasting my moolah, but I’ll be damned if it still didn’t taste a bit like real blood. It also didn't help that it was room temperature. >_< Plus, I did not get a bit of a kick from the so called "energy" drink in the slightest.

Yeah, pretty sure I’ll just stick with sugar-free Monster and the Mana & Health energy drinks for when I need an extra bit of pep in my step.

Final verdict: DO NOT BUY… unless you’re one of those creepy goth weirdoes that actually think they are a vampire or wanna be a poser vamp.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

M.A.R. 01

M.A.R. 01 is now up!  Wassat you say?  Where is the "s"?  Wasn't there already a "01"?  Oh you silly internet people!  Now that I have revamped the comic to an all digital format and is no longer on the back of any physical paper report, I thought that the title needed a revamp as well!  No more M.A.R.s.  We now begin anew with M.A.R.!  ^_^  Hope ya like it and feel free to comment, any comment!  I appreciate the feedback!

Click on the cool new title!  ^_^

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

M.A.R.s #09

Yes!  It's finally here!  I've also decided to save trees!  No more paper, all MS Paint!  That means that it is no longer done on the backs of my Missing Account Reports, which is where it got its name, but it is still staring Max, Art, and Rae, so it still works.  ^_^  Yay!  Hope you enjoy it!

Click the old title logo! New logo coming for the next comic!

Batman's new nemesis: The Twitterer!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

03-10-2010 aka Karaoke Brad

Okay, yes, I know... I look horrible.  Thought that I'd match the way that I sound.  :-P  Just a little ditty that I whipped up real quick-like.  I know that I can't sing, I don't need you to tell me so.  :-|  If ya like this, I might post me singing my other songs from my book.  I hope I can remember the tune to them!  >_<

Oh lord, I can't believe I'm showing this to the world!  LOL!  It's SO awful!  I'm so embarrassed!  ROFL!

If Only You Knew  03-10-2010

The nights still pass on
With you gone
I know I was wrong
I hurt for so long
I long for the dawn

And the day
What can I say
To make it right
I'd put a fight
Yet right here I lay

In my grave
Dug yesterday
I pour the dirt
On my hurt
And now I wait...

I realize now that I fucked up
Remembering laughs we shared in the dark
Reflecting back on how I just blew up
If only you knew what's in my heart

If only you knew how much I loved you
If only you knew how much I care
If only you knew how much I miss you
If only you knew how much I wish I was there

If only you knew...

I pick myself up
Shake it off
Wipe off the dirt
Hide my hurt
Continue on

With my life
No more tears or strife
I've let it all go
But time moves slow
I'm sure you know

I can't carry this regret forever
I know in the end that I'll endeavor
This is so hard for me to sever
If only you knew the meaning of never

If only you knew how much I loved you
If only you knew how much I care
If only you knew how much I miss you
If only you knew how much I wish I was there

If only you knew...

I say my goodbye
As I cry
Wipe dry my eyes
And realize
You were never mine

If only you knew how much I loved you
If only you knew how much I care
If only you knew how much I miss you
If only you knew how much I wish I was there

If only you knew...


An apology to your ears.  :-P

Friday, March 5, 2010

I guess… I guess it’s time to grow up…

 Ever since I turned the big three-oh back in January, I have noticed a LOT of major changes in myself:

1.      I no longer play or crave to play video games as much as I used to.
2.      I no longer prefer cold, dreary weather; I long for the sun.
3.      I have switched from white wines to the deep dry red ones.
4.      I no longer want to buy and collect toys.  Matter of fact I have quite a few looking for a good home.  I might sell them on eBay or if any of you want them, give me a shout.
5.      I bought a suit.  ME!  A SUIT!  And I must say, I look damn good!  ^_^  I wanna buy more awesome clothes, especially since I've dropped quite a bit of weight.
6.      I no longer want to wear my earrings or my Smith & Wesson handcuff key necklace.
7.      Gonna start working out and taking care of myself, again.
8.      Gonna actually TRY to start saving money instead of just saying that I am.
9.      I actually want to try to get a car, like, ASAP.

This was literally an overnight change.  I don’t know what has happened with the old Brad, the perpetual big kid, but I hope he’s doing well.  Right now I emerge as the new Brad, the responsible adult who wants more out of life.  This is kind of a disappointing change since I said that I’d never grow up.  I feel like I let old Brad down.  It’s also a terrifying experience since this new lifestyle and yearnings are completely foreign to me.  I seriously don’t know who I am right now… and that’s some scary shit.  O_O

I suddenly feel the urge to bust out in Bowie's "Changes". >_<

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

A Text with Arielle

Brad: Bored now... >_<

Arielle: Sorry?

Brad: Well, entertain me!  Put the funnies in my ear hole and make the ha-has come out of my mouth hole!

Arielle: Um, that sounds so fucking bizarre.

Brad: Bizarre... or hilarious?!  ^_^

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

02-20-2010 aka A Day of Malls, Gum, and Bugs

So, I lied.  I'm back way sooner than I thought I'd be.  Don't worry, I'm fine.  Sometimes ya gotta hit rock bottom so you can have something to stand on as you pull yourself back up.  ^_^

A day out with the girls, April & Steph!  Full of shopping, big wads of gum, and edible bug treats!  ^_^  I know it's long, but it's hard to concentrate a whole day in ten minutes.  It's just a whirlwind trip out of the house with me and the girls.

Also, no, it is not in HD.  I decided to stick with standard definition after I almost blew-up my poor old PC trying to encode the other HD videos, but even then, this camera is still better than my last one.  :-P

Enjoy and comment!  ^_^

P.S. I LOVE this still frame of the video! ^_^