Sunday, May 27, 2012

I also park in handicapped spaces!

Yeah, this really happened.  I still cannot believe it, and of course it happens to me in true sitcom style.

So, there I was at the bar with a big group of friends on the patio, sitting at a table, chatting, laughing, and drinking.  You know, the normal thing to do at a bar.  More friends come to join the group, so I sit at the neighboring table.  Two pretty girls walk up to my table and ask if I mined if they could sit there.  Being the gentleman that I am, I insisted that they do; always glad to meet new people.  They ask me if a waitress would come out and take their drink order and I tell them that it would probably be a lot quicker to just go inside and order them there.  They look at each other and debate if that would be the best course of action, and they agree.  The two girls get up, smile, and ask me to save their seats for them.  I grin and say, "Absolutely!" as they leave to acquire their beverages.

About five minutes later, three douchey guys stumble up the stairs, obviously blitzed, one of them on crutches.  Another one of them comes up to my table, grabs one of the girl's chair, and tries to take it for the hobbling crutches drunk.  I say "Oh, these chairs are all taken."  The guy looks at me, scowls, and says, "Oh?!  They're all taken, huh?!  That's real nice!  Take the chair from the gimp!" then slams the chair back.  I sit there stunned, stare, and just calmly say, "Oh my god!  Wow... sorry!"  He huffs, "Yeah, you're REAL sorry" as he and his Douche Dudes go to another very empty table with plenty of chairs for their drunk asses.

Five minutes later, the girls come back with drinks in hand and I tell them, "Gurl, you SO owe me!" and I tell them what had just happened.

This last part of the night is a little fuzzy, because I do not know the exact details or saw the entire event, but two of the Ed Hardy Bunch got into a big ol' fight and a drink was thrown at the head of the other.

Very exciting shit.  Just glad that wasn't MY head.  >_<

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Here For You

Here For You 05-22-2012

To the down
To your frown
A smile placed
I give to you
A friendship true
A lasting hug
A kiss askew
You are not less
You aren't a mess
You're more than that
You're shine I confess
I wish you the best
Through this life's test
I'm here for you, though
When you finally rest

The Horn

The Horn 05-22-2012

Desire speaks my emotion
Flesh persuades the commotion
Lust filled wanting in the waiting
Fucking hot guys tease the baiting
Master the hand, leaves me wanting
Muster the brand, leaves me aching
For the taste upon my lips
For the movement of my hips
For the skin within my grips
For the nectar that he sips
Handsome he waits and teases
Succulently supine he pleases
A self made eruption
A self made implosion
A self made fist it seizes

Lavish and lovely and luscious and lusty...

Saturday, May 19, 2012

I left my ass in Mexico...

I know it has been a while since I wrote an actual blog or update or made a video, so with my recent bout of sickness  and recovery... then the fallout from the first meal after the recovery, I thought this would be an awesome place to get back in touch with everyone.  Ready?  Here we go...

So, as I said, I was sick.  Had the ick for about a week and one of the symptoms was... how should I put this...?  Shooting a jet of dark green Kool Aid from my backside.  ^_^  I try to keep it classy here.  Anyway, after a week of that, you tend to get a little... sensitive.  Saturday rolls around and I feel fabu.  So good in fact that I feel like putting solid foods back into my diet.  I had recently gotten a menu on my door for Mexican food delivery.  Gee, that sounds like an AWESOME idea.  What could POSSIBLY go wrong with THAT?!

What follows are the messages between Stacy and I during what I call "The Incident"...

-(over FaceBook chat)-

Brad:  OMG, so much omnom messican food... right at my door.  So... full...

Stacy:  So jealous. I had freakin' cereal.

Brad:  Queso, guacamole, tacos, tamales, stuffed jalapenos, taquitos, chips, salsa, chile con carne, rice, beans, and shrimp quesadilla and SO much left over!  Super cheap, too!  $30

Stacy:  You suuuuuck!

Brad:  Omnomnom

Stacy:  *extends middle finger in your general direction*

Brad:  Heehee!

-(ten minutes later)-

Brad:  JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!!!!!!  OOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!  I have been shitting green liquid all day... so, my ass is a tad chapped.... just now... yeah... Messican revenge... OMG, THE BURNING!!!  Take a paper cut, add vinegar, salt, and tabasco ... now put that paper cut on your ASSHOLE!  I danced around the apartment like I was tying to bring the rain!  I am scared to DEATH to shit now.  Never in my life has my ass hurt so much, and I have had some big boys.  OMG, it is on FIRE right now!  I just want it to go numb at this point.

-(Stacy was no longer on FaceBook, so I switch to text)-

Brad:  You need to get back on FaceBook right now and give me some sympathy.  >_<  Well, over text now, because I am back in the bathroom.  :-(

Stacy:  Awww I'm at my parents.  But I'm here via text.

Brad:  What the hell can I put on my ass to ease chaffed raw tender burning ass????  >_<

Stacy:  Honestly? Tucks, Preparation H, or vitamin E.

Brad:  Well, I don't have any of that right now, so picture the lovely image of Brad taking an ice cube, putting it in a wet washcloth, and clutching it between his cheeks as it dangles freely.  >_<  I'm so fucking classy.

Stacy:  Lmfao rotf. I love it!

Brad:   I DON'T!  I don't want to hear SHIT from mothers and the pain of child birth!  I am about to go feral wolf and gnaw my own asshole off!

Stacy:  Hahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Brad:  Unless those babies are made out of molten lava, they can STFU!

Stacy:  Well...they are devil spawn...  At least you can legally flush yours!  LMAO!

Brad:  LOL!!!!  Touche.  Very touche.  OMG, this hurts so bad.  I know it's funny shit, but it's also painful fire shit!  >_<  What the hell was I thinking getting Mexican after a week of Kool Aid shits and a full morning of raw ass wiping???  This is one time when "raw dog" isn't so fun.

Stacy:  Raw dog is never fun. =l

Brad:  I know they say if you eat something spicy that you should eat bread and drink milk... and am thinking very hard about soaking some Mrs Baird's in some Borden and just letting my ass have a nice meal and a soak.  >_<  Omnomnom...

Stacy:  Lololololololol!  My ass felt like that for months b/c of the chronic diarrhea I had from the divorce.

Brad:  HOW did you get through it???  Not the divorce, the tender tushie?

Stacy: lot "cleansing cloths" b/c they have viatmin e.

Brad:  *sigh*  I don't have those...  *goes to the fridge*

Stacy:  What about cortizone cream?

Brad:  Nope, but my food came with some extra sour cream.  Thinking about just slathering that on.

Stacy:  Sour cream + sour ass = bad idea.  You'll be farting cheese curds.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Rejection Junkie 3

Rejection Junkie 3 05-09-2012

The faded look
The sideways smirk
The handsome hook
The filled notebook

The fastest lust
The hardest crush
The hair all mussed
The blood race rush

The yearn
The burn
My turn
Then spurn

The obvious intellect
The perpetual reject
The physical aspect
The want of perfect

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

My Life on the Triple Z-List

How do you know that you have watched WAY too much Katy Griffin - My Life on the D-List? When you have a dream that YOU are a famous comedian.

Scene: Late at night in a grocery store, the bakery area, one person there closing up.

I asked the lady if she could stay and make me one thing before she leaves.  She agrees (y'know, because I'm SO famous) and I hand her a bag of Hershey Kisses, the cherry cordial kind. I ask her to make me those sugar cookies with a kiss on the top.  She makes them and I thank her with $1000 and "Thank you so much!  Had you not put speed bumps on these damn things, the whole bag would've been gone in an hour!"  She laughs.

Scene: Walking in a parking lot, in Kiki drag (side note, I am thin and hawt as hell!), and I see Shane Dawson.

He greets me (y'know, because I'm SO famous) and asks me how I'm doing.  I answer, still in character, "Oh, busy as fugg!  Just workin' and tryin' to raise my chidlins."  "I didn't know you had kids!"  "Yeah... little Jamiroquai and little *random clicks and whistles*, named after my ancestors from the motherland... Germany.  You know..."  He laughs.

Scene: My big ass mansion (y'know, because I'm SO famous), talking to Geoffrey, my live in butler (he's about 60).

"There's a wet spot in the living room!  It was either you or the dog!  Either way, someone is getting whacked with a newspaper!"  He laughs and cleans it up.

I have issues...  >_<