Saturday, May 19, 2012
I know it has been a while since I wrote an actual blog or update or made a video, so with my recent bout of sickness and recovery... then the fallout from the first meal after the recovery, I thought this would be an awesome place to get back in touch with everyone. Ready? Here we go...
So, as I said, I was sick. Had the ick for about a week and one of the symptoms was... how should I put this...? Shooting a jet of dark green Kool Aid from my backside. ^_^ I try to keep it classy here. Anyway, after a week of that, you tend to get a little... sensitive. Saturday rolls around and I feel fabu. So good in fact that I feel like putting solid foods back into my diet. I had recently gotten a menu on my door for Mexican food delivery. Gee, that sounds like an AWESOME idea. What could POSSIBLY go wrong with THAT?!
What follows are the messages between Stacy and I during what I call "The Incident"...
-(over FaceBook chat)-
Brad: OMG, so much omnom messican food... right at my door. So... full...
Stacy: So jealous. I had freakin' cereal.
Brad: Queso, guacamole, tacos, tamales, stuffed jalapenos, taquitos, chips, salsa, chile con carne, rice, beans, and shrimp quesadilla and SO much left over! Super cheap, too! $30
Stacy: You suuuuuck!
Stacy: *extends middle finger in your general direction*
-(ten minutes later)-
Brad: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!!!!!! OOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! I have been shitting green liquid all day... so, my ass is a tad chapped.... just now... yeah... Messican revenge... OMG, THE BURNING!!! Take a paper cut, add vinegar, salt, and tabasco ... now put that paper cut on your ASSHOLE! I danced around the apartment like I was tying to bring the rain! I am scared to DEATH to shit now. Never in my life has my ass hurt so much, and I have had some big boys. OMG, it is on FIRE right now! I just want it to go numb at this point.
-(Stacy was no longer on FaceBook, so I switch to text)-
Brad: You need to get back on FaceBook right now and give me some sympathy. >_< Well, over text now, because I am back in the bathroom. :-(
Stacy: Awww I'm at my parents. But I'm here via text.
Brad: What the hell can I put on my ass to ease chaffed raw tender burning ass???? >_<
Stacy: Honestly? Tucks, Preparation H, or vitamin E.
Brad: Well, I don't have any of that right now, so picture the lovely image of Brad taking an ice cube, putting it in a wet washcloth, and clutching it between his cheeks as it dangles freely. >_< I'm so fucking classy.
Stacy: Lmfao rotf. I love it!
Brad: I DON'T! I don't want to hear SHIT from mothers and the pain of child birth! I am about to go feral wolf and gnaw my own asshole off!
Brad: Unless those babies are made out of molten lava, they can STFU!
Stacy: Well...they are devil spawn... At least you can legally flush yours! LMAO!
Brad: LOL!!!! Touche. Very touche. OMG, this hurts so bad. I know it's funny shit, but it's also painful fire shit! >_< What the hell was I thinking getting Mexican after a week of Kool Aid shits and a full morning of raw ass wiping??? This is one time when "raw dog" isn't so fun.
Stacy: Raw dog is never fun. =l
Brad: I know they say if you eat something spicy that you should eat bread and drink milk... and am thinking very hard about soaking some Mrs Baird's in some Borden and just letting my ass have a nice meal and a soak. >_< Omnomnom...
Stacy: Lololololololol! My ass felt like that for months b/c of the chronic diarrhea I had from the divorce.
Brad: HOW did you get through it??? Not the divorce, the tender tushie?
Stacy: Lol...um...a lot "cleansing cloths" b/c they have viatmin e.
Brad: *sigh* I don't have those... *goes to the fridge*
Stacy: What about cortizone cream?
Brad: Nope, but my food came with some extra sour cream. Thinking about just slathering that on.
Stacy: Sour cream + sour ass = bad idea. You'll be farting cheese curds.