Thursday, December 19, 2013

Fuck'd Dynasty (or) How to Discreetly Spread Your Own Brand of Bigotry

Let me start off by stating that I will try to be as unbiased as humanly possible, but that's like telling a Chinese delivery employee to 'calm the fuck down' after they answer the phone to your "Herro, Miss Ling-Ling Ching-Chong!  I rike some flied lice, prease!"*

Also, please take note of the various asterisks that will be littered all throughout this blog.  They will provide valuable insight and information that could calm the raging waters of retaliations that you may have at the ready.

Now, to set up our little story, let's go back to what started this.  Way back.  All the way back to... yesterday.  It seems that the Duck Dynasty "beloved star" Phil Robertson (I use quotes because I can only assume he is beloved and a star since he and his little ragtag group of shotgun totting, camouflage wearing, southern drawl-heavy brethren seem to have their hairy faces on everything from drinking glasses, lunchboxes, clocks, and pantyliners with wings [insert clever duck hunting pun/joke here]) had been quoted as to speaking out against homosexuality.  No, this is not, or should not, be a real shocker, since these people also praise the lord at the end of every episode, and from my personal experience, people who praise the lord also seem to want to speak for him/her/them/it.**

Quoted as saying:

“It seems like, to me, a vagina — as a man — would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical.” [...]

“Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men,” he says. Then he paraphrases Corinthians: “Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers—they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right." [...]

“We never, ever judge someone on who’s going to heaven, hell. That’s the Almighty’s job. We just love ’em, give ’em the good news about Jesus — whether they’re homosexuals, drunks, terrorists. We let God sort ’em out later, you see what I’m saying?"

I DO see what you're saying!  Thank you, Phil!  I absolutely LOVE it when my own homosexual nature is compared to sexual intercourse with a non-consenting non-human!  It makes perfect sense!  As a bonus to this little nugget of clarity, not only am I in the same category as a pig porker (ha, punny), I am also sharing a column with the Taliban!  I'm a mass murdering, man loving, bomb wearing terrorist with a chicken on my dick!  Thank you!  Thank you for this clarity!

Now, please, take that last paragraph as the "Miss Ling-Ling Ching-Chong"*** in me that is just outraged by the outright disrespect, slander, and and shameful bigotry that took place in his statements.  I'll try to now pander to the people that think this man has the freedom to say what he wants, believe what he wants, and have his own opinion.

Yes, it's true, we all have freedom of speech; we also have the right to bear arms.  In similar fashion, having a loaded gun is exactly like having a loaded mouth: we have the right to own and wield it and we have the right to protect ourselves, but you also must possess a certain level of responsibility with it and you also must deal with the consequences when it goes off.  "He didn't hurt anyone", you say?  Take into account of a gun being fired into the air.  Eventually the bullet has to land somewhere, right?  Yet he didn't state any of this in the air... he fired his mouth directly at our faces.

He also has a responsibility as a widely known public figure to never single out ANY one group of people and besmirch them in any way, shape, or form.  It also isn't a very good business strategy to demean a group of people that may just purchase your products.  Jusayin'.

So, yes, yay freedom of speech, but boo defamation of character.  Do you get the difference?

"But what he said didn't mean anything!  He has a right to his views!  Who cares what he says?"  I hear you, I do.  So, let's approach this from a different perspective.  Let's say you have a child.  Your child LOVES Duck Dynasty.  Phil is your child's absolute favorite person in the world!  They want to be JUST like him!  Then they overhear Phil say during a broadcast, "I hate vegetables!  I'll NEVER eat them!  I just wanna eat chocolate!  All day and all night!  Omnom, chocolate!"  Your child now will not eat vegetables at all, no matter what you do, how much you beg and barter, or how much you try to force them.  They just want to eat chocolate.  Your child gets diabetes, is malnourished, and dies.  You now have a dead kid.****

Okay, that may have been a bit too extreme, and my metaphor MAY have been over your head, so I will spell it out; that very impressionable, ignorant, and stubborn child is a representation of a certain special part of the population, a part of the population that has equality and the right to vote.  To VOTE!  Do you GET that?!  In this great nation, where freedom is SUPPOSED to be based on separation of church and state, where every human being should be treated as equals, where bigotry and ignorance should not only be brought to light and educated, but abolished completely, these people, THESE PEOPLE, with their foaming-at-the-mouth philistinism, that cower behind crosses and bibles and gods that speak through them, that judge and hate despite their god saying "Quit that!".... these people get to VOTE!  On things that actually matter!  This is an example of the ripple effect: cast the tiny stone of bigotry out and watch the waves of ignorance spread and grow.  Simple statement and view, quickly expands and increases in size, turns into a big ass ripple ruin.

Sorry, I feel another "Miss Ling-Ling Ching-Chong" moment coming on... No, I will not stand silently by as my rights, my simple human basic rights, are threatened EVERY FUCKING DAY.  Do you GET that?!  I have to STRUGGLE just to fucking EXIST!  Then this moron follows suit with other morons, fights against me when they don't even KNOW me, and I'm supposed to sit idly by and do nothing?  No.  Fuck the golden rule.  I'll do on to others as is done upon ME.  Why love your neighbor when they obviously don't give two duck shits about you?  There is never, I repeat, NEVER, going to be a point where we coexist... just a point where we learn, finally, to keep our loaded mouths with the safety on.

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*Don't get started on me being racist.  That is not the case at all.  What I did was an example and metaphor of what could happen.  Also, I did not nor would I EVER say ANYTHING so disrespectful as that to any actual person.

**Look, that's awesome that you have religion.  I applaud that.  I really do.  I do not mean to piss anyone off due to religious conflict, because looking at history, that went REALLY well (/sarcasm), but having religion is like having a penis; it's great to have one, but keep it to yourself and don't wave it around in public.  No one wants to see that shit.  I also don't want any laws based on your dick.  :-|

***Please reference the first paragraph.  Again, not being racist, just a metaphor for the type of mood I'm having throughout this.

****No children were harmed during the writing of this blog.  No, you do not have a child that I miraculously gave you simply by reading this nor did I just kill it off by going all Wonka on them and stuff them full of chocolate.

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[UPDATE] My good friend, Marci, also makes a VERY valid point about the whole "freedom of speech" debate...

"...so I'm going to get into this whole Duck Dynasty/A&E/Phil Robertson thing.

He is a paid "actor" by A&E. He represents A&E any time he appears in public (i.e. interviews, appearances, etc) A&E is a privately owned network.

The "freedom of speech" argument against his being suspended from the show is not valid. Freedom of speech means the GOVERNMENT cannot punish you for your words. In this case, A&E has every right to discipline their employee.

End of argument."

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