Thursday, June 3, 2021

BUSSY!!!

 


*showing this to the hubby*

Him: Bussy?

Me: Boy pussy.

Him: What?

Me: Boy pussy!

Him: What?!

Me: BOY👏🏻PUSSY👏🏻!!!

Him: Oh my god, stop yelling "boy pussy" by the open window!!!

I just lose it, but internally I'm screaming, "Stop making me laugh! You're making me sputter-fart! They're so hot, I don't know if I'm shitting myself!"

So, there I was, laying on my back, legs kicking in the air, lost in a fit, just laughing and farting like a toddler, not knowing if I was "making" without my husband doing the mommy two finger check in the back.

No. I did not "make". And no. He did not check. 

Then, this scene is so vivid in my mind:

*Dog walker passing our house*

"Go poopies! Go p-"

"Boy pussy!"

"......... Uh..... G-go poo-"

"BOY PUSSY!!!"

"......... Hello, police?"

So, does this character think I'm demanding it, like, pounding the dinner table with a knife and fork, or is it a shout of surprise like I'm unwrapping some very inappropriate gift? "*gasp* Boy pussy! You shouldn't have!"


One of the top three funniest moments in my life!

Friday, April 30, 2021

Why Wry, My Sly Eye Sty?

 Little sty on my eye

Why do you make me cry

Hurts so much I want to die

What'd I do, tell me why

How I hate you, little sty

I will murder you, you can rely 

A hot poker to make you fry 

A quick pop and a sigh 

Until then, I'll just lie

And scream, "FUUUUUUUUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUUUUUUCK! FUCK YOU STY! FUCK YOU! FUCKING FUCK!"


Been watching a lot of South Park since I can only see shapes and colors, so it's best to hear all of that in Cartman's voice. 😉 (not a wink, that's just my face now)

Friday, November 27, 2020

Dreams Be Weird, Yo

 My dreams are so weird in the fact that they can set up full plots and details for a complete storyline and reference the details later on at the end of the dream. It's fascinating, really.

This morning, I woke from another strange one...

Quick dream setup: It was the early 80s, and I was working at a large hotel with a rather sizable staff. I was part of the dream-vague general staff (you'd think I'd make myself something more important like a manager, but noooooo). During one morning meeting, our manager stated that we had a new addition from one rival hotel. She was just another new member of the vague general staff named Cheryl. Wife, mother of two, and your typical middle-aged Midwestern with a faded red perm and large tortoise shell glasses. Very soft spoken, very sweet, very polite, and very chatty.

When asked by my small motley clique of employees (you know, the cool kids) why she left, she said that the last hotel was haunted. "Haunted?!", I said. "Yes! Really! Haunted!", Cheryl insisted, "Strange things would happen there all the time! It wasn't just that hotel; it was also the one I worked at before that one, and the one before that one, too! It's like it's following me!" The manager laughed and told her not to worry and that our hotel was not haunted in the slightest. My group and I laughed and reassured her not to worry. She smiled and relaxed a little in her chair.

The day went normally, and the night as well, but the next morning was chaos. A vacationing couple woke from their bed to find it was floating in the hotel pool. When my staff and I arrive, the couple was screaming something about a monster that did it. After we got them to safety, we spot something in the water. Sure enough, it was a creature, and it leapt out of the water and ran off. The odd thing about it was that it looked more like a small child wearing one of those old cheap plastic Halloween Costumes from a five and dime. Realizing this, I rolled my eyes and said, "Creature from the Black Lagoon? Really?" 

When I said this, I saw another small figure run around the other side of the pool and hide in the lounge. As my crew and I look around, I told them (in trying-to-be-clever-dream-dialogue), "Okay, it looks like we're looking for your typical cereal box vampire." Just then, a kid jumped out in a full, deluxe version of a cheap Halloween costume. It was a well dressed figure, in a tux, sporting a red amulet, and spreading a cape as it posed intimidatingly... except, y'know, it was all in thin cheap painted plastic. He hissed through the slit in the mouth of the crudely painted vampire mask and ran off. "Okay, sorry, we're looking for the KING of the cereal box vampires, Dracula.", I turn to yell in the direction that the caped menace ran off in, "Better?!" We never found the kid, but to be fair, it was a half-assed search mission.

When I went downstairs to join the meeting about all of the crazy things happening in the hotel, I noticed that the front desk receptionist was acting frustrated and frazzled. When I asked her why, she told me that the phone keeps ringing, but when she answers it, there's nothing but a dial tone. I did a quick search of the desk area and found a micro cassette recorder and it was playing a tape on loop of the front desk phone ringing every thirty seconds. I turned it off, slipped it into my pocket, and let the receptionist know that she's good now. She thanked me, jaw agape.

I walk into the meeting area and sit in my usual assigned spot which happens to be close to the new employee, Cheryl. She's having a very in depth personal conversation with the woman next to her. They're having a good time sharing all sorts of details of their lives and experiences. She's a master at conversation and making people feel comfortable enough to open up to her. I also hear her not only spill details about herself, but about several other people by name, too. I was kind of amazed at how she dropped such personal details about others with such ease as to not rattle the other person she was speaking with and continue the flow. As I watched them, there was a scream.

We look over to an empty chair, and behind it is another employee, standing with her hand over her mouth, and looking down at the chair through a stream of tears. She wailed, "Who did this?! WHO. Did. THIS?!" We all looked confused. Before anyone could say anything, she ran from the room. When another woman looked in the chair, she gasped. She picked up a container of baby food as others started murmuring. I sat there in silence with the knowledge that the woman had recently had a miscarriage. I look at Cheryl who whispers to herself, "It's happening, again!" Suddenly, my magical dream detective mind starts to put the clues together. 

"Cheryl?", I asked as I turned to her. She looked at me, "Yes?" I start my grilling, "About how many hours do you put into a typical workweek?" Confused, she says, "Oh, uh, I dunno... about 60-ish hours, give or take... but mostly give." I nod, "And do you know the name of the woman that just left?" Still bewildered, "Yeah. That was Connie. She just recently had a miscarriage. Oh, it was tragic. I told my husband about it and we both felt so awful and thanked the lord above for our two boys..." She went on and on as her voice faded.

Then it all clicked. I solved it. BUT, with this being set in dream territory, there's no satisfying end. I didn't get to actually solve it out loud to all of the other dream actors. It was all internal; Cheryl was a workaholic mom who didn't spend enough time with her kids, so they sabotaged her job with "supernatural" pranks so that the hotel would be shut down and she could spend time with them. That's it. Case solved. In my head. 

As I was waking up and the dream was ending, the scene turned into one that was on a TV screen and I was the actor no more, but the spectator. Cheryl, according to the rules of a gay man's dream-space, launched into a song complete with subtitles so that I could sing along.

I never got to.

Sunday, July 19, 2020

Twenty-Twenty: Advice to Get By

In this very tough time of plagues, politics, and phuckery, it can be hard to stay positive, or at the very least, sane. With a world of information at our fingertips, it can be tempting to click on all links through tangent rabbit holes where you can very quickly, and quite literary, lose 'yourself'. That's why I'd like to share my method of keeping sane(ish), staying positive(ish), and holding on for dear life to my humor through all of this ish. This is my advice on what works for ME, so it may need some adjustments to work for YOU, but the structure remains consistent. If you find it necessary to be on the internet, please take this guide with you, because it's dangerous to go alone...

1. Limit your time online. I know that is asking a LOT, but if you are following even a portion of this guide, it's possible.

2. Trust ONLY actual, official news stories from actual, official news websites. Also, try to get the unbiased news; facts only! No more BubbaFreedomNewsDotCom and no more conspiracy theories. If it takes an hour long story to set up any reported facts, run away! Those can be more toxic than anything out there.

3a. Stay away from politics. Period. Just focus on FACTS. Facts are simple true statements that have no bias, motive, or the hunger to spread and change views. They're just truths, they just exist, they just... are. If you believe them, awesome. If you don't, that's fine, they're cool with that. They still remain as established facts.

3b. When scrolling online, try your best to not click on shared stories involving politics or politicians. No good can come from it. If at all possible, limit your political news to your immediate area and how things are being affected there.

4. This is a doozy that will help MOST of us get through this together; DO NOT POST ANY REPLIES TO YOUR FRIENDS' POSTS. PERIOD! If you agree with them, smile and scroll. If you disagree with them, frown for a moment, get over it, and scroll. If they mention making a blood sacrifice to the old gods to break the curse of 2020, have a moment of concern, consider reaching out or calling the authorities, don't do any of that, and scroll. We're friends for a few reasons, none of them based on our personal views of 2020. Let's keep it that way.

5. Be kind. To Friends. To family. To essential workers. To yourself. No matter what, please be kind. 2020 is having its way with all of us, we're all in the 'MeToo2020' support group, we are ALL having a very difficult time with ALL of this, so please do not add to it. Don't make it harder on others because it's hard on you. That is such a vicious cycle that needs to be stopped immediately.

6. Listen to science and medical staff. They are your new god, now. "Wear a mask!" Yes, Lord. "Stay inside!" Preach! "Work from home!" Amen! Kidding aside, we have always trusted doctors before this, so why are we not doing this now? "Take two of these, shove them up your butt, stay in bed for a week with a diet of broth and dreams." Yes, doctor! One week later and you're thanking them. Now it's, "Wear a mask for your 10 minute trip inside any public place." No! Eff you! Freedom! 'Murica! *cocks gun* It's this thinking that has kept us from getting over this crisis that should've ended MONTHS ago.

7. This is going to be a tender subject, so I'll try to be as gentle as possible... quit leaning on God. God is busy at the moment. You need to step up and take care of things with the tools, free will, intelligence, and educated individuals that your God has blessed you with. Don't leave it all on God. God doesn't do well with demands. Don't EXPECT miracles, MAKE them!

8. Have fun. Check out for the day or a few times a day to do something that is purely for you and your happiness. It can be anything! This is where it's perfectly fine to be selfish, but please do not do something that would negatively impact another person. I season my days by making stupid jokes and posting memes. I've always been addicted to making people laugh, so that is my go-to. It's totally selfish, but as a bonus, it makes others happy too. Even if only for a moment.

I could keep going, but I think these eight items are a great place to start. Eight is great! LOL! Yeah, that was terrible. Anyhoo, go out and spread rainbows or some crap. I'm going to go watch Unsolved Mysteries so I feel better about the hand I've been dealt and realize that it really isn't all that bad. According to this show, I could've been set on fire while being mugged by a ghost alien in the middle of Scotland for some reason. ^_^

Friday, November 15, 2019

The Only Man I Called 'Dad'

     I know it has been an extremely long time since my last update on this site, and I apologize for that, but this is something far too important to not share.

     I need to tell you about someone that came into my life. More accurately, I came into his life. When I met the man that I was to marry, we both knew that it was meant to be. So, he invited me to live with him and his two parents who both took me in without hesitation. His father, William Condinzio Sr., accepted me with true Italian gusto, happy to have me in the fold, offering me food at every turn. That's how you knew he loved you; he would always make sure you were fed so you would stick around longer. Over time, the only man that I would call dad and I would share a bond over sweets and desserts, something rarely shared with others in the house. It would amaze me that a large box of treats would vanish on the day that they were bought. It was sometimes infuriating, but mostly amusing and endearing. I'd usually crack a smile to myself when I saw the vacant area where they were seen last. That's how I learned the house rule 'you snooze, you lose'. Aside from that, when he saw you, he would often offer food, or a list of edibles in the kitchen, sometimes even while you were in the process of making something to eat. "No, Dad, I don't need a snack while I wait for the two minutes on the microwave, but thank you."

     Dad would also offer bits of trivial facts, just so you had the knowledge for later. "There's [a list of food] in the pantry, there's [a list of food] in the refrigerator, I could make [a prepared food option] if you want, the garbage goes out tonight, the car is in the garage, I'll be in my room." "Okay. Thanks, Dad." That would often be a joke with Will and I. "There's clean towels in the bathroom. Also, there's food in the kitchen and the car is in the garage." Dad just wanted things to be as easy as possible for the family. He was a very kind and generous man. He'd give you the shirt off his back, which is my own internal explanation as to why he was often shirtless; he gave them all away! Even in times of great pain, he would often offer his pain medication to the rest of the family if they weren't feeling all too great. Family came first.

     I'm going to miss the hell out of him (and his cooking). I'll try to do Will right by him, but I know my food will be nowhere near as good as his. I'll also miss his unique vocabulary. "I had a 'snizzle' of your cheesecake." I'd joke with him, "Oh, word?!" "Yeah! It was pretty good!" 'Snizzle' is totally in my everyday speak, now.

The void is something very tangible and it hurts like a sonovabitch, but knowing that I was lucky enough to have called this man Dad does offer some comfort.

I love you, Dad. More than a snizzle. There's food in the kitchen, the car is in the garage, and you're always in our hearts.


Monday, July 3, 2017

~MKP-TAG~



~MKP TAG~ Mortal Kombat Project Tag
My Mortal Kombat Project edit based on the latest releases of MKP V4.1-S2.9 (MKP4129) for MUGEN by Borg117 with a tag system added thanks to MKP Chairs Project (https://youtu.be/p-6CemuQ6PU). Credits for all components of the game are in their associated folders and files. All of the download links will be updated as I continue to make improvements and revisions.

Tag Attack = LP+HK
Tag Out = RUN+LK

Breaker = RUN+BLOCK

MKP4129 gets another huge update! Introducing the Tag System! Select "TAG", choose your fighters, and play MvC style! Use LP+HK to call your team member in for a special attack. Use RUN+LK to swap with your partner! The AI will control the secondary characters, so there is also a NO AI program included so you can turn player 1's AI off and control BOTH of your tag team members! This mode replaces the chaotic (LOL) simultaneous team mode, but in my opinion, it's way better and more fun! One glitch I've noticed is that your tag team will all have the same blood color, but that doesn't bug me too much. Also, Bloody Scorpion, MvC Chameleon, Chameleon Project, and Eyedol will not work with the tag system.

I will put the usual links below that have the 7ZIP file and the individual files directory, but I HIGHLY recommend downloading the 7ZIP file. I will also keep the regular ~MKP~ up to download if you do not wish to play ~MKP TAG~, but I will no longer be updating ~MKP~; I will only be updating ~MKP TAG~ from now on. ~HGK~ will also still be available.

You will also find two additional exe files to expand your tag team roster; 3 vs 3 and 4 vs 4. These use the tag system as well. Use RUN+LK to cycle through all of your members while playing.

Character Bios, Aggressor Meter, Combo Breakers, and Kombat Kodes are also still present. If you do not want to use the Aggressor Meter and/or the Combo Breakers, there are folders in the data/MKP folder with edited common1.cns files; just copy those and place them in the data/MKP folder to replace the one there.

I have added three logo videos and two different lifebars in the data/MKP folder. You should notice a few added folders there. Just COPY, don't cut, the files in the folders, then paste them in data/MKP to replace the default files. This video will help: 

Second Lifebar Option:

All characters have been updated to their latest and greatest versions. New characters have also been added! Quite a few bugs have been fixed, a lot of sprites have been edited, a lot of code has been modified, and I even found the time to create a new icon for the exe files!



As always, I am very grateful to the MUGEN and MKP community. I'm so glad that I got back into editing games again and that people actually LIKE playing my build!!! If you like what you see, be sure to subscribe to my YouTube channel so you don't miss out on any further updates, because there WILL be more! Feel free to ask questions, report glitches, or even just to say "Hi!"

Subscribe, like, share, but most of all, enjoy!

~Download ~MKP-TAG~ Full Game (7ZIP)~

GoogleDrive
MediaFire
MEGA

~Download Individual ~MKP-TAG~ Files~

GoogleDrive
MEGA

~Download ~MKP~ Full Game (7ZIP)~

GoogleDrive
MediaFire
MEGA


~Download ~HGK~ Full Game (7ZIP)~

GoogleDrive
MediaFire
MEGA

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

"Aural Amore"

    He sings. A lot. Either in another room while browsing on his laptop, in the shower, or riding in the car, he will always be singing. He may hit the wrong note or lyric, but that will never deter him. He will belt it out loud and proud. He's become the background music to my life, and I never want to stop hearing him.

    He gushes. He tells me multiple times every day that he loves me. He will stop what he is doing and interrupt whatever I am doing just to tell me “I love you!” Every night before bed must end with that phrase as well. Sure, sometimes I want to continue what I am doing or just want to slip into unconsciousness, but I repeat after him regardless, and I never want to stop hearing him.

    He snores at me. No, I do not mean 'He snores next to me'. When we sleep and his face is close to mine, where I can feel each hot breath, he violently snores at me. I don't mind, though. I am quite used to it, but even if I am disrupted from slumber, I do not get annoyed. I like the reminder that he's there, and I never want to stop hearing him.

    I've been here ever since that day. That day when I heard screeching tires and his voice calling my name with an 'I love you'. The pills they give me here don't seem to have the intended result they were hoping for. He still sings. He still gushes. He still snores. He still does all of this despite the accident that left me permanently deaf while also taking his life...

and I never...

EVER...

want to stop...

hearing...

him...

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Gruff Love

 This is my Pap-Pa. He's freaking awesome. He's the first person that I ever saw, real or fictional, that was a genuine bad-ass. I looked up to this veritable force of nature. He was always powering through some project, be it gardening, home improvements, woodwork, car repair, power tool maintenance, or just fiddling and trying to improve some gadget. He was never still. He is also the reason that I'm not some dullard that's barely getting by. He knew my potential and he'd be damned to have a grandson that's a dumb-ass. He instilled in me a love of math and science that still exists today. I also think that my humor and creativity is an extension of him from all his projects and one line zingers. Yes, he was a rough and gruff old man, but that was just Pap-Pa. He showed his love in ways that you might have to interpret through his aggressive nature, which he expressed often, so you know he loved greatly and passionately. I know he had a heavy hand in shaping me into the man I am today. I don't think that I would be as moral, creative, funny, intelligent, and have such a strong work ethic without him.

Yes, as you may have gathered from my use of the past tense, my Pap-Pa has just moved on from this world. He was 92, so we were the luckiest damn people to have him for so long! Now, I don't want you to comment with your "sorrys" and such. That's not the Pap-Pa way. I want you to tell me your favorite memory of Pap-Pa. Let's smile and laugh. If you never got the chance to know this awesome dude, just post your favorite curse word. That was one of his ways of say "I love you".  Even his overly exaggerated yawns were punctuated by them "*YAAAAAAWN* Hell." I'm gonna miss hearing that. Thankfully, I can do a spot-on impression of them. ^_^

Speaking of curse words, here's my story: Mam-Ma collected VHS movies. Like, literal thousands. Because of her, I got to experience a vast world of genres, my favorite of course, horror. I was watching a horror movie at their place one day, and as you know there's quite a bit of vulgarities in those kinds of movies. After a scene that was dropping the F-Bomb quite a bit, Pap-Pa turned to Mam-Ma and exclaimed, "By god, why the HELL are you letting him watch this DAMN crap?! He doesn't need to hear that SHIT!" I smiled silently to myself.

Well, hell, Pap-Pa (that means 'I love you, Pap-Pa'; also 'well, hell' was his and my absolute favorite phrase). 

Thank you for everything.



Monday, February 15, 2016

"Retirement Home (based on a true story)"

    Retirement is not what you think at all. “Oh, you're retired! It must be so nice to have all that free time!” is the usual reaction when people learn of our situation. I want to slap them in their ignorant mouth every time. Here's the deal; retirement isn't fun in the slightest. Sure, the first few months are fine. Catching up with hobbies, friends, family, and upkeep on the house. After that, though, you are constantly preoccupied with the unrelenting task of trying to fill the rest of your free time. It gets maddening. If it wasn't for my wife, Mitsu, I'd be in the loony bin after the first year. “Now now, Frank”, she'd whisper and take my wrinkled hand in hers, “No need to get so worked up.” She knew I wanted to smack the taste out of people's mouths that gave the smiling, polite reactions indicating that they couldn't possibly fathom to understand, yet. They will. One day.

    I should be considering myself lucky. I have a loving wife of forty years, a house that's been paid off for the past twenty years, and a brand-spanking-new van that I bought outright as a retirement present to myself for various hardware store excursions. Even though I was no longer a foreman, I still found the need to fiddle here and there with various home improvements. After her own retirement from a large software company, Mitsu keeps tinkering with computers, gadgets, and other things that are just way too over my head to grasp. Old habits die hard. So do we, apparently.

    It was in the third year of our retirement that the visits started happening. I guess someone heard my wish for a little excitement in our mundane day-to-day. The first knock at our door perplexed both of us. “Are you expecting someone?” Mitsu asked with a confounded expression. “Hell no”, I huffed, struggling out of my recliner to confront the interruption. I was ready to tell whoever it was to peddle their wares or  Jesus elsewhere, but when I opened the door, I was greeted with red hair and a smile from a small, almost waifish, young girl. “Yes?”, I half-barked. “Uh, hi! I don't know how to say this...”, she peered behind me where Mitsu was poking her head out of the kitchen. “My phone. I have a tracker that says it's here...”, seemingly losing her confidence, she peered down at a mobile phone displaying a map, then shoved the device in my face. “See? That's your house. You wouldn't happen to have my phone... would you?” I brushed her hand to the side, “Now, look here. I don't know what kind of game you're playing, but the only phone that we have is bolted to the wall. Does that sound like your phone to you?!” “N-no,” she cowered, “I'm s-sorry.” She turned, tail tucked, and left. Mitsu couldn't control her laughter. “You're so mean!”, she teased as I closed the door. Later that night as we were watching crime show reruns, a commercial boomed, “Find your lost phone with the 'Where My Phone At?!' app!” Mitsu shot me a grinning, knowing look. I scoffed, smiled, and shook my head.

    After that, the visits became a daily part of our lives. A barrage of different people, either alone, with friends, or even the police, all looking for a cell phone at our home that some tracking application pegged as the last location of their beloved device. Some were understanding, knowing that technology wasn't perfect and that it must be a glitch; others, not fooled by our “elderly couple cover”, were worked up into an angry froth and demanded that we return their stolen property. The local law enforcement soon caught on to the case of wrongful accusations and tried their best to quell the easily excitable masses. “Look, I get it” I told one officer, “People put too much reliability into technology, and when it fucks up, they don't want to admit their own damn stupidity. I just worry about the safety of my wife and my house. I don't need one of these dumb-asses getting drunk, riled up, and coming to my home with their redneck mob.” "I know where you're coming from, Mr. Simms", he nodded, "I assure you that if it should ever come to that, call me directly and I'll be over as soon as I can." It seemed to be about the only assistance that we could get from them. That, and the bullshit explanation as to why this was happening in the first place. Something about GPS, triangulation, wireless towers, and WiFi. In other words, things that Mitsu would have to explain to me repeatedly.

    On a particularly cloudy day, we received our regular knock at the door. Ready to blow off yet another lost soul, wandering without purpose since the loss of their electronic life, I whipped the door open. “Where is she?!” was hurled violently at me from the mouth of a black leather clad biker type, “Where is my sister?!” I was taken aback by the sudden change of question. Phones, I could deal with. I had experience with those. Missing girls, not so much. “Where is she?! I know she was here!” he belted once again, holding up a tattered photograph of red hair and grinning teeth. The very same face that I had turned away weeks ago when this all began. “Look...” I tried to explain as I saw three police officers approach behind the large man, “I don't know what you're getting at, but there's no one here. Just my wife and me. No cell phones and definitely no girls.” He seemed confused by my answer, but pressed on, “I know she's here.” He motioned to the cops, “And they're gonna find her.”

    The police officers presented us with a warrant and then escorted Mitsu and myself out to the front lawn. They explained to us that since this was a person and not a phone, they had to take this situation a little more seriously. Her last location, according to her phone and her mother's phone that she used to track it, was our house. She never made it home. We were the last people to see her alive. The situation with the tracking glitch was explained to her brother, but he still insisted on searching. “Feel free to do whatever you need to do”, I told the officers and the burly gentleman, “I'm sorry about your sister, so if it helps to search our home, please... We have nothing to hide and want to assist in any way that we can.” His face softened a bit as he came to the realization that a retiree and his little, elderly wife couldn't possibly have anything to do with the disappearance of his sister.  “I'm sorry”, he resigned, “I just don't know what else to do. This was my last resort.” “It's okay”, Mitsu took his hand gently, “You'll see her again. I promise!” That was all it took to drop the guy to his knees in a stream of blubbering tears. I smirked at the display of tenderness from my wife and the fact that this tiny Asian woman just took out a six-foot-plus giant.

    An hour later, the police left our house a bit disorganized, but thankfully not destroyed. “I'm sorry, sir, but there doesn't seem to be anything here”, one of the cops informed the missing girl's brother, “I wish we could be of more assistance, but this seems to be the same tracking error.” After the police left, the biker thanked us and apologized again for the trouble. “Come in for tea”, Mitsu begged him, “Tell us about her.” He obliged as she served him a cup of hot herbs and honey at the dinning room table. They talked for a bit about the red haired girl. How she was the first one to come to our door looking for her phone. About how I scared her away. About how my wife ran back outside and asked her to join us inside for a cup of tea. He looked up and inquired, “What kind of tea... is this...?” “The same that I give all my guests! A special Japanese blend that I make myself!”, Mitsu beamed. “I... I don't...”, I watched in silence as he tried to stand up, but failed miserably and fell to the floor with a thunderous thud. Mitsu giggled and clapped gleefully.

    Dragging the biker's unconscious body down the stairs to the basement was more daunting than I thought it would be. I was afraid that he would come to with every stair that his head hit. “How does a petite girl have such a beast of a brother?!”, Mitsu grunted. Upon landing at the bottom, I went over to the hand-built shelves lining the far left wall and clicked the flawlessly hidden switch that swung it open to reveal the walls of a small room lined with cinder blocks and thick metal links. I dragged the biker inside as Mitsu clanked a pair of wall shackles on him. She exited just in time to see him struggle against the grogginess in his head and the chains on his wrists. He turned his head to the right allowing his eyes to take in the full horror of  decomposing corpses all around him including that of his sister. “No! No!!!Why?! I'll kill you! I swear to god, I'll kill you!”, he screamed, shaking his restraints. “See?”, Mitsu smiled, “I promised you'd see her, again!” The screams became a string of vulgarities to which I responded with closing the shelves and latching it shut, returning the basement to silence once more. “You built that so well! I can't hear him at all!”, Mitsu exclaimed with sheer delight. I hugged her close and kissed her forehead. I don't know how I'd survive retirement without her.

    Mitsu pushed away from my chest and shuffled over to her computer in the far corner. She turned off the wireless jamming device, turned the WiFi back on, and continued coding the latest patches for her “Where My Phone At?!” app...

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

"Basic House" is a "Basic Laugh"


I'm not sure if this is to be taken seriously or if it's some sort of new hipster art. 

Hilarious. Admirable, but hilarious.

This photo-shoot doesn't really do it justice, either. 




Especially with this photo.

It forces people, like myself, to do awful things like this...

Look what you made me do.

Then there's the video which already makes it seem like a parody of itself.

So, what, are you supposed to seriously live in a superhero's cape that is perpetually blowing in the wind? Eat, defecate, and then roll around with it like the world's most disgusting tumbleweed? How would bringing a date home work? After dinner, you head to an alley, whip out your house, then romantically toss them in on your ground-bed? "Hey baby, why don't we ruffle these walls from the inside out? Watch out for that rolling turd."

What are your thoughts?

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Horror: An Endangered Species

What the ever-loving monkey-flung dung happened to classic, maniac slasher, frightening phantom, and utter mind-fuck horror?!  You know, the actual good and entertaining kind?  Horror these days has been twisted into such esoteric drivel in a mission to find something "fresh" and "new" that I don't even recognize it anymore.  Like a hideously botched facelift on an aging golden era that hardly resembles the origin from which it was born.  There was no need to "fix it".  It was fine.  It was reliable and recognizable.

"Horror" films, such as "Babadook", "It Follows", and "Honeymoon" have been getting a lot of buzz from members in the film industry and a few sheep-people that graze in their Hollywood bleached assholes, but when it comes to us, the real fans, we are let down and abandoned by an institution many of us called home.  These kinds of highly praised instalments of horror are so obtuse, obscure, convoluted, and shoved so far up its own ass that it loses sight of the fundamental goal: to scare the audience.

I want something actually tangible to be afraid of.  Something real.  I'm tired of this whole "she's running from the killer, but the killer is actually a representation of society's unobtainable standards of beauty and her own emotional conflict".  Bitch, if I wanted emotional conflict, I'd watch "Steel Magnolias".  I want HORROR!  Something that shouldn't require a bachelor's degree in film studies to decipher what the hell is really going on!

I want to turn off everything except my raw exposed nerves of fear, and I want the film to cut them out and play with them!  I want sheer, unbridled terror that latches on to my soul's very loins in a vice grip that won't let me sleep because of the things that go bump in the night.  I want to feel so violated and vulnerable that my only hope of survival depends on staying under the covers and praying for the light of day!  This is NOT too much to ask, but it quickly seems to be headed that way.

This doesn't even require gore!  You can have a great scary movie without a single drop of crimson in the entire thing!  As for the direct to DVD movies that amass in bargain bins, bless their hearts for trying.  Some actually do try to recapture the truest essence of a fright flick, but lack the funding for substantial actors, writers, and special effects.  They get an 'E' for effort, the poor things, but sometimes they leave me feeling even more so that this genre is seriously in danger of being wiped out.

This is why I have started to write my own stories.  I'm not ever saying that my talent is on par with some of the greats (and even not-so-greats), but that's the self-flagellating author in me that will always see room for improvement within my own creations.  I just want to try and fan the flame of fear out of concern of it being extinguished completely.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Ellipsis: A Collection of Short Horror

Here it is; the big reveal!  A new short horror project that started on this site and will eventually evolve into a nifty little paperback anthology.  The theme and title of the collection will stem from the fact that all of the stories will end with an ellipsis, leaving the reader to the mercy of their own dark, riled up imagination, or to pause and give the reader a moment to soak the story in.  Sure, I could force you to see my exact vision for each of the tales, but I have found it far more terrifying when there was no spoon feeding and I had to fill in the blanks myself.  Also, what may be scary or creepy to one person may not have the same effect on another, yet we have all experienced our own form of hellish nightmares from scaring ourselves silly.  The human mind is a macabre and bizarre little creature that just loves to jump to the absolute worst scenario.

The collection is listed on the right side of this site in a drop-down box where you can choose a story.  As always, I would LOVE to hear feedback, good and not-so-good, from anyone and everyone!


Tuesday, July 14, 2015

"Chime"

 Darci violently erupted from her thrashing slumber.  She gasped as she took in the quickly fleeting images of horror that plagued her rest, the sound that wrenched her from its clutches, and the strange room that she was now in.  The most prevalent matter was the random musical notes emanating from behind the bolted window.  A queer tone that perplexed her with every jaunty vibration.  As the visions from the night terror slipped from her mind, the realization of where she was took its place.  She was sitting upright on her queen size mattress, glistening with the combination of soft moonlight and fresh perspiration that pooled in her cleavage.  She paused and took in the moment of rampant clarity.  Darci was in the bedroom of her new home.

 Although still foreign to her, she felt a warm rush of comfort after identifying the darkened boudoir.  The odd tune demanded her attention, again.  Her eyes darted to the window as if the sound was her own name being sung.  Wind chimes.  The very same large pipe wind chimes that she strung up two days ago after moving in to her new one-bedroom house.  She sighed, relieved to be free of both the forgotten nightmare and the ignorance of her own location.  She glanced at the clock which beamed at her with a hard blue, almost snide, “3:46am”.

 “Oh, you've gotta be fuckin' kidding me”, Darci hissed through a glaze of sticky night saliva.  She reached out to the time and clicked the alarm button.  It was set to go off forty-four minutes later.  She relinquished an audible breath, afoul with resignation, and turned the alarm off.  “I might as well get up”, she begrudgingly admitted to herself.  “I need a shower, anyway”, she tugged at the thin, soaked top that was clinging to her breasts, exposing her nipples with a transparent wetness.  The wind chimes seemed to agree with her as it belted out another rendition of its childlike made-up song.

 In one swift motion, Darci flung the floral print sheet off her damp body, swiveled her legs over the side of the bed, and hopped down to a chilled hardwood floor beneath.  Her bare feet momentarily protested the harsh cold and then adjusted accordingly to the temperature.  She considered turning on a light, but instead opted to avoid the pain associated with forcing her eyes to focus anew on a drastic change of contrast.  The chimes continued their score of the events.

 Darci shambled out of the dim bedroom through its open door and into the black hallway that led to the kitchen.  She used her limited memory of the terrain and her open palms to map the straightforward route.  The stove-light lit area on the other side was beckoning her encouragingly with the promise of fresh coffee.  She began to hurry her shuffle with delicious thoughts of the day's first mug of murky brew.  The twinkling tune in the background narrated every quickened step.  As she rounded the corner into the kitchen, she felt the force of a hundred hammers down on her littlest right toe, stubbing it against the beige drywall.  She immediately dropped to the floor and tightly clutched her whole foot in her hands.

 “AHHHH, gah, mother, faaahhh!  Shit shit shiiiiit!!!”, Darci wailed and rocked in place, controlling the pain with a sea of expletives.  From her bedroom, the chimes seemed to swell exponentially, almost mocking her, with deep clangs and high-pitched tings.  She clenched her jaw and relinquished what little power over the pain she thought she had.  As she moved her hand, she first made sure that the toe was still attached.  It was there, silently glaring at her for her betrayal.  She then made sure it wasn't seriously damaged by gently wiggling it around with her fingertip.  It didn't seem broken, but the immense amount of pain should have justified a pool of blood, or at the very least some sort of immediate bruising.  She was almost disappointed that there were no such visible signs of physical trauma.  Darci let a whimper escape as she stood up and continued towards the coffeepot.  She grabbed the carafe, stepped to the sink, placed the pot in the basin, and turned the cold water valve.  She stood motionless as the wind chimes belted their rhapsody over the sound of the running tap.

 Darci glanced up and stared out of the tiny window that overlooked her small backyard where she had planted three new saplings.  Even though technically morning, it was particularly dark and calm.  She took in her new view and reflected on the fact that she would never have to deal with another roommate ever again.  Stranger after stranger, taking advantage of her and her goodwill.  She was beyond ecstatic to finally live all by herself.  The wind chimes piped up again as if to say, “Hey!  Don't forget about me!”

 The song shook her from thought as her eyes focused on one of the saplings.  It was standing so still and vulnerable out in the inky openness.  She thought about building a little fence to surround each of the baby trees to barricade them from certain premature death at the hands of an overzealous yard worker.  Darci broke from the mental home improvement session and peered out into the night once more.  Time stopped as she had a horrible realization; the saplings were still.

  With a labored breath, she rushed her eyes around the scenery; the bushes, the full-grown trees, the bird bath water, the tacky rainbow-colored pinwheel.  They were all motionless.  No signs of disturbance from even the slightest of air currents.  The night was dead.  She felt a billiard ball form in the middle of her throat that would not vacate despite her valiant efforts.  Her heart was galloping laps around in her chest.  The water was overflowing from the coffee pot and noisily evacuating down the drain.  The wind chimes were having a ferocious musical tantrum against the bedroom window.  Darci slowly turned her head to face the opening of the hallway.  She parted her dry lips just enough to sharply inhale sufficient air to speak, but before she could utter a word, she heard the bedroom window shatter and the wind chimes abruptly halt.

  She instantly froze in a panicked state, unable to unbolt her quivering legs from the kitchen tile.  Terror and disbelief ravaged her mind, rendering it absent of logical actions and thought.  A clumsy thump hit the bedroom floor followed by the sickening sound of broken glass grinding under a heavy boot...