Thursday, June 7, 2012

Tardy for the Party


Today has been... unique.  First, my phone alarm, which is set for 5:00am every morning, went off as usual.  I hit snooze, as usual.  What's unusual is that it did not go off again!  I was an HOUR late for work!  I looked at my phone and it said that it was STILL in snooze mode!  Bitch, that is not "snooze mode", that is "Rip Van Winkle mode"!

I get to work, and a problem comes up.  I have a script that has an issue; scripts navigate an online bank site automatically to download files for all accounts listed.  This one is crashing and not getting all files.  I sent an e-mail to the team lead about it; "The script is not getting all the files."  His reply?  "The script needs to run to get all the files"  You have NO idea how much I am resisting sending him this:

So, after that, I decide that I'm hungry as all hell since I slept for gawdamn forever.  I go downstairs to the convenience-eatery-cafeteria amalgam type place to get a simple bagel and cream cheese.  That's all.  Just a quick in and out so I could scurry back up to the ninth floor and continue my fury of catching up.  I go up to the counter and see the little penny pinching Korean that I have mentioned several times before.  I am to the right side of his peripheral vision, but somehow he doesn't see me.  I tap my foot.  No reaction.  I sniff loudly.  Nothing.  I clear my throat.  He starts hiking his pants up to his nipples.  I jiggle the change in my pocket.  He IMMEDIATELY turns to me, lets go of his nipple belt, and acknowledges me with "How I help you?!"  :-|

Bagel finally in hand, I head for the elevator.  I get on.  Just as the doors are about to close, a boney manicured little hand swoops in at the last second to open the doors back up.  Bitch, really?  There are three other elevators.  Really?!  I am also stunned that the doors didn't crush her fragile anorexic hand.  The doors open, and she looks off in the distance and shouts in true woo-girl style "Tiffany!  HAAAAY gurl!  How you doing?!"  She holds the door this whole time waiting for her waifish friend to board the increasingly late elevator while I sit there with my bagel that is getting colder by the second.  Her friend finally boards the Two Twigs and a Fattie express.  Guess what floor they went to?  No, really.  Guess.  I'll wait.  This is an easy one.  This is what they just HAD to hold the elevator up for this entire time...

Two.

Yes, the second mutha fuggin' floor.  It would've taken a LOT less time for everyone involved if those bitches just took the stairs.  Well, if their twiggy little legs don't snap under the pressure in the process and send their heavy bobble heads over the edge.  Oh, that thought gave me a warm fuzzy.  ^_^

Two?!  Are you friggin' KIDDING me?!  >_<

*eats cold bagel*

~(UPDATE)~

Brad:  There is no hole in my bagel at all... looks like an asshole... is that like a Jewish four leaf clover? o_0

Stacy:  LMFAO ROTF!

Brad:  I am SO calling assholes "Jewish Four Leaf Clovers" from now on.

Stacy:  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Brad:  I dunno if I am hungry or turned on...

Stacy:  Every Jew's greatest dilemma; hungry or horny.

~(RELATED SIDE UPDATE {yes, I just made that a thing})~

Dear Rude Walking Teeth and Hair,

Next time you might wanna think about the ramifications of spraying your designer knock-off, stank nasty, candy ass, Willy Wonka, tween wannabe whorefume on a closed elevator with other people, because next time I ride the elevator with you, when the doors open, I WILL kick you out to your floor... which, BTW, once again, was TWO! Just couldn't wait the whole ten second ride without needing a spritz of Rapist Attractant, could ya?!

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