Fuck'd Dynasty (or) How to Discreetly Spread Your Own Brand of Bigotry

Let me start off by stating that I will try to be as unbiased as humanly possible, but that's like telling a Chinese delivery employee to 'calm the fuck down' after they answer the phone to your "Herro, Miss Ling-Ling Ching-Chong!  I rike some flied lice, prease!"*

Also, please take note of the various asterisks that will be littered all throughout this blog.  They will provide valuable insight and information that could calm the raging waters of retaliations that you may have at the ready.

Now, to set up our little story, let's go back to what started this.  Way back.  All the way back to... yesterday.  It seems that the Duck Dynasty "beloved star" Phil Robertson (I use quotes because I can only assume he is beloved and a star since he and his little ragtag group of shotgun totting, camouflage wearing, southern drawl-heavy brethren seem to have their hairy faces on everything from drinking glasses, lunchboxes, clocks, and pantyliners with wings [insert clever duck hunting pun/joke here]) had been quoted as to speaking out against homosexuality.  No, this is not, or should not, be a real shocker, since these people also praise the lord at the end of every episode, and from my personal experience, people who praise the lord also seem to want to speak for him/her/them/it.**

Quoted as saying:

“It seems like, to me, a vagina — as a man — would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical.” [...]

“Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men,” he says. Then he paraphrases Corinthians: “Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers—they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right." [...]

“We never, ever judge someone on who’s going to heaven, hell. That’s the Almighty’s job. We just love ’em, give ’em the good news about Jesus — whether they’re homosexuals, drunks, terrorists. We let God sort ’em out later, you see what I’m saying?"

I DO see what you're saying!  Thank you, Phil!  I absolutely LOVE it when my own homosexual nature is compared to sexual intercourse with a non-consenting non-human!  It makes perfect sense!  As a bonus to this little nugget of clarity, not only am I in the same category as a pig porker (ha, punny), I am also sharing a column with the Taliban!  I'm a mass murdering, man loving, bomb wearing terrorist with a chicken on my dick!  Thank you!  Thank you for this clarity!

Now, please, take that last paragraph as the "Miss Ling-Ling Ching-Chong"*** in me that is just outraged by the outright disrespect, slander, and and shameful bigotry that took place in his statements.  I'll try to now pander to the people that think this man has the freedom to say what he wants, believe what he wants, and have his own opinion.

Yes, it's true, we all have freedom of speech; we also have the right to bear arms.  In similar fashion, having a loaded gun is exactly like having a loaded mouth: we have the right to own and wield it and we have the right to protect ourselves, but you also must possess a certain level of responsibility with it and you also must deal with the consequences when it goes off.  "He didn't hurt anyone", you say?  Take into account of a gun being fired into the air.  Eventually the bullet has to land somewhere, right?  Yet he didn't state any of this in the air... he fired his mouth directly at our faces.

He also has a responsibility as a widely known public figure to never single out ANY one group of people and besmirch them in any way, shape, or form.  It also isn't a very good business strategy to demean a group of people that may just purchase your products.  Jusayin'.

So, yes, yay freedom of speech, but boo defamation of character.  Do you get the difference?

"But what he said didn't mean anything!  He has a right to his views!  Who cares what he says?"  I hear you, I do.  So, let's approach this from a different perspective.  Let's say you have a child.  Your child LOVES Duck Dynasty.  Phil is your child's absolute favorite person in the world!  They want to be JUST like him!  Then they overhear Phil say during a broadcast, "I hate vegetables!  I'll NEVER eat them!  I just wanna eat chocolate!  All day and all night!  Omnom, chocolate!"  Your child now will not eat vegetables at all, no matter what you do, how much you beg and barter, or how much you try to force them.  They just want to eat chocolate.  Your child gets diabetes, is malnourished, and dies.  You now have a dead kid.****

Okay, that may have been a bit too extreme, and my metaphor MAY have been over your head, so I will spell it out; that very impressionable, ignorant, and stubborn child is a representation of a certain special part of the population, a part of the population that has equality and the right to vote.  To VOTE!  Do you GET that?!  In this great nation, where freedom is SUPPOSED to be based on separation of church and state, where every human being should be treated as equals, where bigotry and ignorance should not only be brought to light and educated, but abolished completely, these people, THESE PEOPLE, with their foaming-at-the-mouth philistinism, that cower behind crosses and bibles and gods that speak through them, that judge and hate despite their god saying "Quit that!".... these people get to VOTE!  On things that actually matter!  This is an example of the ripple effect: cast the tiny stone of bigotry out and watch the waves of ignorance spread and grow.  Simple statement and view, quickly expands and increases in size, turns into a big ass ripple ruin.

Sorry, I feel another "Miss Ling-Ling Ching-Chong" moment coming on... No, I will not stand silently by as my rights, my simple human basic rights, are threatened EVERY FUCKING DAY.  Do you GET that?!  I have to STRUGGLE just to fucking EXIST!  Then this moron follows suit with other morons, fights against me when they don't even KNOW me, and I'm supposed to sit idly by and do nothing?  No.  Fuck the golden rule.  I'll do on to others as is done upon ME.  Why love your neighbor when they obviously don't give two duck shits about you?  There is never, I repeat, NEVER, going to be a point where we coexist... just a point where we learn, finally, to keep our loaded mouths with the safety on.

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*Don't get started on me being racist.  That is not the case at all.  What I did was an example and metaphor of what could happen.  Also, I did not nor would I EVER say ANYTHING so disrespectful as that to any actual person.

**Look, that's awesome that you have religion.  I applaud that.  I really do.  I do not mean to piss anyone off due to religious conflict, because looking at history, that went REALLY well (/sarcasm), but having religion is like having a penis; it's great to have one, but keep it to yourself and don't wave it around in public.  No one wants to see that shit.  I also don't want any laws based on your dick.  :-|

***Please reference the first paragraph.  Again, not being racist, just a metaphor for the type of mood I'm having throughout this.

****No children were harmed during the writing of this blog.  No, you do not have a child that I miraculously gave you simply by reading this nor did I just kill it off by going all Wonka on them and stuff them full of chocolate.

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[UPDATE] My good friend, Marci, also makes a VERY valid point about the whole "freedom of speech" debate...

"...so I'm going to get into this whole Duck Dynasty/A&E/Phil Robertson thing.

He is a paid "actor" by A&E. He represents A&E any time he appears in public (i.e. interviews, appearances, etc) A&E is a privately owned network.

The "freedom of speech" argument against his being suspended from the show is not valid. Freedom of speech means the GOVERNMENT cannot punish you for your words. In this case, A&E has every right to discipline their employee.

End of argument."

Finally Forever

Finally Forever 11-04-2013

The unbridled splendor in true love

The weightless abandon in total trust

The complete freedom in honest monogamy

The glory ultimate, brimming, robust

The key to my shackles

The light in my dark

The unmatched only

My heartbeat's patriarch

No words scribed or birthed

No expression so profound

No anything that is everything

To portray a feeling unrenowned

No voice that is worthy

Can sing this emotion

So, that silence that you hear

Will be my forever devotion

The Bottle

The Bottle 06-24-2013

Over the years, my heart has broken

Shattered into countless pieces

Grains of sand was all that remained

I stood alone while the beating ceases

Accepting my end, embracing the dark

Thinking the final steak to my heart

Had come to pass, with which I must part

I closed my eyes to let the finale start

He came to me out of the blue

My savior, my prince, my perfect

He swept up the shards, collected them all

The wonderful awesome, the absolute clicked

He put them all in a heart shaped bottle

He held it close to his own vessel

He said it would never again jostle

As our love, in his bosom, would forever nestle

Where There's a Will...

Where There's a Will... 06-01-2013

I love my love like a summer day

I swoon and moon and flutter and sway

I bask in his glory as I lay

Where there's a Will, there's a way

I love my love like I love cake

The decadence dripping like a swollen lake

So sweet to the touch and never fake

Where there's a Will, there's a quake

I love my love, that's for sure

He's the one, the only, the all, the cure

The passion, the bliss, the perfect pure

Where there's a Will, there's a savior

I love my love, more than just a tad

My best friend, my confidant, my absolute comrade

He's the ultimate love I've ever had

Where there's a Will, there's a Brad

Yatta, my love... yatta.  ^_^

Sassy Gay Hitler

Brad - I'm gonna photoshop a dead horse wand for ya. :=P

Brad - Ooo, Hitler smiley got all sassy with you!

Stacy - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Brad - That shirt and those shoes? Nein, bish. :=P

Brad - OMG, I want a sassy gay Hitler sketch.

Stacy - LMFJAO! (laughing my fucking Jewish ass off)

Brad - Oops, looks like I'M the flaming one, now! Heil yeah! *snaps* :=P

Brad - It totally writes itself.

Stacy - HAHAHAHAHA!

Morning Chats with Stacy & Brad

Been a while since I have done one of these:


Stacy - We have to do a SUMMER WATCH 2013. You definitely have to go to the airport with me to pick her up. :D

Brad - 'kay... you do know I work nights and sleep days, right? When is she arriving?

Stacy - Noon on Thursday the 30th.

Brad - Fine. Just remind me to go to bed early on Wednesday.

Stacy - "Fine"? :-/

Brad - I just woke up. "Fine" is sleepyese for "Huzzah! We shall goeth forth and picketh up Lady Summer! Oh, joy!"

Stacy - LOL, silly boy.

Brad - That's why you keep me around.

Stacy - So, if you had to guess what size you are... what would that size be?

Brad - Hefty. For what?!

Stacy - Shirt wise.

Brad - X-Large.

Stacy - Are you sure XL?!?!

Brad - Yep.

Stacy - Dude, you have a 52 chest?

Brad - o_0  Th' hell if I know! Last time I measured anything on my body, it wasn't my CHEST... I should also point out that I was 13 at the time... kinda sad to think of a grown ass man doing that... anyhooooooo...

Stacy - LMFAO ROTF. Nothing wrong with measuring... anything.

Brad - I'm good. I don't feel the need to prove anything. I'm secure in my... chest size.

Princess Pig

Here's a story:

Once upon a pig farm, there lived a passel of pigs (a passel is what you call a group of pigs). One day, the fancy Princess Pig of the group, with her fancy Princess Pig jewelry and fancy Princess Pig dress, stood up from the crowd that was bathing in the mud and proclaimed, "My word! Look at us! Bathing in MUD! We should learn to be more proper than that! We should evolve! We should be more than what we are!" To which the other pigs replied with, "Dude! I mean, your highness! If we don't bathe in the mud, we will surely perish! We cannot sweat, therefore, we have to find other means to cool ourselves off!" Princess Pig let off a royal snort, "Fools! Strive to overcome yourself! Don't give into nature! Be free of the tyranny of your filth! Be more than yourself!" All the other pigs just dismissed her with gruff honks and horks as they dove deep into the cooling mud puddles. Later that day they found Princess Pig laying on a clean smooth stone with her tiara slightly tilted. She wasn't breathing and smelled of a freshly cooked southern breakfast.

Moral of the story: be yourself or else you are going to DIE! ^_^

R.I.P. "Shit Other People Say"

Hello, mah peeps.  I know I have not written anything in a very long time, once again, and for that I'm truly sorry.  Life stuffs keeps getting in the way.  The reason for this post is because one of my other blogs that I created on a whim, shitotherpeoplesay.com, is dying.  It is not nearly as popular as I thought that it might be. I received an e-mail stating that the domain that I purchased for this blog is going to expire soon.  Since I have no job at the moment and its glaring lack of traffic, I decided to not renew it and just archive what I have posted here.  It will live on as a totally separate segment here, so feel free to keep them coming in.  Just e-mail to ZaxxonQ@ZaxxonQ.com and I'd be more than happy to post it up here with a polite nod to you for your contribution.  A nod is all I can afford.  :-P

So, here ya have it... the entire collection of Shit Other People Say:

I don't think this yoga class is legit.

My Internal Dialogue for Other People:

(scene - couple exiting yoga class across the street)

Woman: Your Downward Dog was excellent, but your Pooping Hobo needs work.

Man: Your Reverse Warrior was spot on, but you kinda fumbled on the Weeping Stripper.

Sticky Buddy Dub

Okay, I did not make this, but I really feel that this should be on this site.  This has made so many people BAWL with tears of laughter tonight, myself included.  I.  Could.  Not.  Breathe!!!  X-D

St. Paddy's Shenanigans

Overheard at The Mucky Duck bar while enjoying green beer in celebration of St. Patrick's Day:

"You motorboating son of a bitch!  C'mere!"

"Our bodies can't digest the dye they use for the green beer.  We're all gonna have diarrhea for a week."

"Which of us do you think would survive a zombie apocalypse?"

"*inaudible* Blaahhhrrggggh I'd fokin' take his gun an' mmuurphle pop his grrraaaahh..."

*waiting for a turn in the restroom as someone exits the stall*  "Thank you."  o_0  Thank you???  WTF?

We hire a classy bunch...

Overheard at work:

"You heard from Nicole? No? Call her, and make sure she ain't in jail."

-Steph 

RAWR!

Overheard:

Horrid talking twig with hair to another girl:  OMG!  Did you see Sally?!  She's gotten so big!  She's practically 'obeast'!

Me thinking:  Bitch, it's 'obese', not 'obeast'.  She's not an animal, just fat.  Also, just because you can slide in and pick a lock with your head doesn't make anyone bigger than you obese.

Munch on brunch.

(scene: two people, a guy and a girl, eating brunch.)

Guy:  Oh my god, that's so dry!  *joking* Is that cornmeal or sand?!

Girl:  *dead serious* Oh no, that's cornmeal.

Guy:  *poker face*

(later)

Girl:  There's a woman over there that looks like a... um... one of those... uh... what's the word?  ...........whore.

Can't believe I found a whore eating sand for this post.

They're Grrrrr... not so good!

After being blown off yet again...

"Bitch Flakes!  Flaky bitches with an indecisive coating.  Wishy-washy them down with a glass of meh.  Part of this balance pissed Brad.  >_<"

Nasty White Creamy Goo

I HATE it when people say that mayonnaise and Miracle Whip are the same thing.  >_<

Not me - "Do you want mayo or mustard?"

Me - "Mayo."

Not Me - *grabs Miracle Whip*

Me - "Um, that's not mayo..."

Not Me - "Same thing."

Me - "NO IT'S NOT, YOU LEAKY CUNT!  Mayonnaise is pure, natural, and delicious!  Miracle Whip is a chemical abomination from the depths of Hell shat out by Satan himself that totally RUINS any and every food item it touches!!!  Why the FUCK would I want a SWEET sandwich or SUGARY deviled eggs, you culinary RETARD?!"

See also - http://theoatmeal.com/blog/miracle_whip

Happy Independence..... oh...

Overheard:

(scene: guy and girl preparing for a Fourth of July party)

Guy:  So, one of my coworkers took off for seven days for the Fourth of July.  Why in the hell would anyone need to celebrate for that long?!

Girl:  Well, maybe his ancestors came over on the Mayflower?

Guy:  Yeah... in shackles.

Girl:  O_O