Thursday, August 4, 2011

Chardonnay is the Devil’s piss!

Chardonnay is not my friend.  It tried to kill me last night.  This is the worst hangover I have ever had, and I have had some bad ones.  >_<  I have never had the stuff in my life, which is an odd thing for one such as me to say since I have tried many wines in my life.  Hell, many booze laced drinks, period.  Let me tell you of this particular drink’s charming qualities:  

First off, it is not a nummy wine.  It seriously taste like the Devil’s urine after he just downed a whole bottle of aspirin.  Evil aspirinated piss from Hell.  But no matter, I wasn’t drinking it for the deliciousness.  I was trying to get druuuuunk.  It did the trick, alright.  After two glasses I was three sheets to the wind.  Speaking of sheets, it must also act as a laxative, because I had the sheeeeets.  >_<  After that passed, I passed… the fugg out!  I have no recollection of the time that I went to bed.  All I know is that I woke up around 2:00 AM and could not go back to sleep due to the worst case of indigestion that I have ever had in my life!  Thanks, Devil Piss (I think I’ll buy a winery and label the product as that)!  I felt like I was gonna vomit that acidic Alien blood that would totally ruin any chances of getting my deposit back on my apartment.  I also woke up with my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth and my eyes sealed shut!  This shit, although liquid, does not seem to contain one ounce of water.  It severely dehydrated me.  I think it sucked the moisture from my very soul!  Trying to look back on the night, I also found that, ironically, I could not remember any of the episodes of Samantha Who that I watched last night.  Yay, wasted missing time.  So, shits, nausea, acid, dehydration, and temporary amnesia… could it get worse?  Oh yeah.  Ever gag yourself with your toothbrush?  Who hasn't, right?  Ever gag yourself with your toothbrush and fart at the same time?  No one?  Lucky me; feels just like I won the lottery.  It is not a fun experience.  It wasn't the actual act that was terrible, but the first gasp of life retaining breath that I took after the gag.  Apparently another side effect of Chardonnay is that it rots your insides and gives you toxic death garbage farts.  I am quite sure my coworkers will appreciate that today.  Okay, I think that is everything in my words of wisdom/orange warning cones to you.  Over-share time is over.  ^_^  

Just remember: drinking is a lot like falling in love; it may seem like a good idea, it may be fun and giggles in the beginning, but then you gotta pay with the pain, screaming, regrets… and sometimes even vomiting.

UPDATE: Now I am breaking out in itchy hives on my face.  Chardonnay... you SUUUUUUCK! >_<


  1. Hey, you said you wanted amnesia. Be careful what you wish for?

  2. I know, I know. That thought had crossed my mind... then quickly forgotten. :-P LOL.